Party Boy

We are closing

2007-08-22T08:28:00.000+02:00

I actually meant to say this a while back, but I'm kind of finished work with this blog! I just decided today that I don't have much more to write. I am however working on new exciting things(No...really...I am) and therefore I don't have time to post here anymore.

It's been kind of fun, there were some good times, I wrote some bad stuff that might have been boring but hey...it happens.

However, if you would like me to contact you in connection with my new projects, please do send me an e-mail with the subject line "Keep me updated Partyboy" My e-mail address should be on the top of this page.

It's going to be fun!

Cheers for now

Blackle- The eco friendly Google

2007-08-11T12:45:00.000+02:00

I read an article a while back, might have been in The Sunday Times or something, saying that if Googles usual white screen were changed to black, it would save quite a fair amount of energy. I'm not going to go into it as it is all explained in the following links. I think it is quite interesting and I was intrigued, very intrigued. So now you can save the planet while Googling away your time. Or Blackling away your time at least. Here are the links to the article and to the new eco friendly Google:

Article

And here, the energy saving Blackle!

Even though I have been gone for a bit, I come back with this wealth of knowledge!

That is how deep my love for all of you runs. In runs deep within my loins! I want to shout my love for you from the top of a mountain top! I want to touch you all! I want to kiss you!

Fuck what happened there? Why am I saying "Fuck"?

Why am I being blamed for everything?

I need to go now, I am losing the plot ever so gently here right in front of you.

You are actually reading this as I have written it and you are seeing how my vast writing talent is consuming itself right before your eyes. You are witnessing a great writer thrown into a vast pit of writers block.

See you all soon, will try update more often, but I'm not really finding the inspiration of late to write like I used to.

It seems I am a victim of my own success...What success you ask?

I have no idea what I'm talking about

Now go my little ones.

Go run in the fields and throw petunias into the air and listen to Eric Clapton.

That's what I'm about to do

Bent it last night

2007-08-04T04:48:00.000+02:00

What a debauched night we had at Wadda last night! The day had got off to a good start with me doing an upgrade on my cellphone and getting a Motorola Rizr. They also decided to throw in a Samsung digital video camera which was nice. This turned pear shaped after that when I went to Wadda and lost my old cellphone, losing all my photos and videos. FUCK!

No worries though, except now I have no numbers and I have to go to the Camel party tonight. I must make a mention of the manager at Wadda, who was quite helpful when I pointed out the guy who seemed to be stealing phones. He was walking around by himself, with no friends the entire night, and he had tried to grab a mates phone earlier in the night. The manager quickly summonsed some bouncers, and they took him out the club to check the situation out. They never found any phones on him, but I must say thanks to the manager, who was quick to help us out. Shot. I forget his name, as he told me it through a raucous, debauched noise of young girls and booze

Saw Breyton Paulse at Wadda, and I never came right. Not with him. Or any birds. That sucks. Wait...

What was impressive though was meeting some bird from San Francisco, awesome! No one should know her, and she should know no one, so I have a clean slate! YES! She even managed to get me into the VIP area, very sneaky of her. What a lovely lady! It's embarrassing because I have now forgotten her name, but she got my number(I could not get hers because my phone was already gone)

The most hilarious thing I heard last night, or any night, was from this one girl I know. I was shimmying across the dance floor when she said to me "I hate MEN!"

What? Where did that come from? Why do we deserve this?

This whole post is actually not a lie, even though it may sound it. But I saw Seth from 20ceansvibe there, and when I saw him in the club, I immediately recalled an article he wrote that says something about asking chicks if they are down to earth. So I actually used it last night!

There were these two girls standing around, and I have seen them out a couple of times before and they never seem to speak to anyone. So I went up to the one girl(Who I now know is Bianca) and asked her "Sorry, but are you quite down to earth?" She smiled and said "Yes"

Thinking to Seth's article, I knew this was her attempt top make out as though she is down to earth, even though she isn't. So I looked at her and said "No, I don't believe you"

I then walked off.

Later on in the night I went up to her friend, who was sitting upstairs at a table and said to her "Sorry, are you quite down to earth?" She gave me a smile and a "Yes"

So I said "I don't believe you" I eventually got chatting to her and asked her if she was from Cape Town and if she modelled, because then I know why she is so arrogant. As Cape Town models are. Turns out she is originally from London, and moved here like 18 years ago. Very naughty!

It turned out to be a cracker of a night, other than my phone being stolen. Even my younger cousin came out, and he knew some FIT little girls. Nice connections there son. Hook a brother up.

Anyway, I will try find that post about being down to earth on 2oceans, and will put the link here.

Love you all

Me

Michelle McLean

2007-08-02T09:18:00.000+02:00

You may all know Michelle McLean, that hot chick who won the Miss Universe title in 1992, for Namibia of all places! Well it seems she is still pretty hot and for some bizarre reason I have heard reports that she was at Tiger Tiger on Tuesday night!

I actually never saw her as I was not there.

Ok that's a blatant lie, you know I was there. But let's just pretend that for once, I was not there on a student night Tuesday trying to come right with naughty little girls. Let's pretend I was at home watching The Recruit at home. I actually bought The Recruit for R60 at Musica in Constantia Village. My reason for visiting Constantia Village was to scout for the Friday MILF party. I'm not going to say anymore. Ask about it in Cape Town and you might find out. Maybe. Maybe you won't.

So yes, while I was in Tiger, I never managed to see Michelle McLean.This is because I was pulling into the hottest girl in the club, whose name I never asked for.

Why do I lie so much! I never even came right with anyone! I'm just trying to make this story sound better than it is. Anyway, time to stop lying now.

Apparently she was there with some huge guy, who was doing the most bizarre thing. They were drinking champagne and this guy was pulling money out of his pocket, but not money in a money clip. Unconfirmed reports(I say this in case this is not all true!But my sources are top quality) say that he was pulling crumpled up notes out of his pocket and giving them to the barladies. What a fool! Who does this?

Needless to say, my source took Michelle home later where she offered to do her "Cream Bikini"

Obviously that's a lie, but imagine it was true.

Shit, this story would have been awesome had I lied the whole time! The true story is actually quite boring, I saw the writing differently in my head and I thought it would be an awesome story. But it's not. It's now just writing on the internet.

Anyway I still wonder why Tiger attracts the likes of Lieschen, Michelle and the Springboks. It is quite odd. Maybe it's because the likes of Lieschen have heard that there are male models who frequent Tiger(Like myself...OBVIOUSLY!) And the older guys hear stories of the girls being smoking hot! Like the girl in the white boots. I won't mention the name. I could. But I won't.

Enjoy the day

Lieschen- Very, shall we say "Homegrown"

2007-07-27T12:38:00.000+02:00

I love it how Sky News are going on about weed and how it can increase mental illness by up to 40%

Wicked!
I love these studies because the people doing them are old, they don't smoke, never have, and they don't really know what's cracking. If you want to know more about weed, speak to the people who smoke it.

I can hook you guys up with some of my friends.

Earlier on Sky News they were saying that smoking it once might mess you up, now they seem to have dropped that and this old chick is saying that smoking large amounts might affect you. Get the facts straight boys!

I know lots of people who still function while smoking various amounts and strengths of weed. The best thing to try do is hot a bong, then down a beer and do a shot of tequila...without exhaling! The results are hilarious!

Well...so I hear. You know...in the newspapers.

Anyway it reminds me of fear and Loathing in Las Vegas where Hunter Thompson thinks it is a joke that all these cops are coming together for a drug conference, when in actual fact they have no ideas what is going on. Speak to the drug users.

Same here. Speak to the people who smoke weed.

I always find it hilarious when these old people say things like "Chill with a spliff" as this old lady has just said. It's so cool! So funny as well if you watching it.

Look I'm sure we have all found ourselves in the unfortunate position of having "inhaled second hand smoke" as I would call it. We might have also been smoking the hubbly, and someone might have slipped some weed into it without us knowing.

You know...theoretically. The results are amusing as well.

I'm sure people do flip out, but the effects don't last that long(So I read in a Medical Journal)

I think they are making a big deal out of nothing.

By the way I saw Lieschen Botes at Tiger Tiger last night and decided to show her photo above. Good grief, she is amazing. I had to walk around doubled over the entire night, highly embarrassing naturally. And Victor Matfield was there with Schalk and Bryan Habana again on Tuesday. Odd considering it was a student night. Trying to pick up the young ones...tisk tisk boys.

You know I disapprove of that...

Don't do this

2007-07-25T10:56:00.000+02:00

No seriously, don't type "Vida Guerra" into Google Image search.

I never advocate this type of stuff, and so you should not do it.

Seriously, don't.

I warned you

What an hilarious week!

2007-07-24T18:28:00.000+02:00

Well not really, but quite a stupid one.

In sad news, for me at least, Alexandre Vinokourov has been found guilty of blood doping in the Tour de France. Every year it seems, since Lance Armstrong has left the tour, the tour gets even worse. It's reputation must now literally be in the gutter. What I don't understand is how these guys can still dope knowing that they will be caught. It's the world biggest bike race, for FUCK SAKES! Are these guys that stupid? To me these guys who use drugs are amongst the most stupid people on the planet. And yesterday I was so excited that Alexandre won, and now he goes and messes it up by failing his drug test which is from last Saturday. His whole team has quit the Tour and he has trashed his name. After so many years of good cycling, he has ruined his name and career in one swift drug test. Well done, that's awesome: Read the story HERE

In other news you may already know that Britney Spears seems to be on tik, or crack, or diesel or something. Because she is all fucked up! Those are the only words to describe it! And it seemed like just yesterday that I was reading on 20ceansvibe an article entitled "Britney about to go bonkers again" and a sentence saying "I think we're in for a cracker this time round" How correct Seth!

Her latest stint had her reportedly wiping grease on a Gucci dress after eating chicken. She is also reported to have picked up her dog's shit with a Chanel dress.

I actually love it! We are in for a cracker indeed! Britney seems to have totally lost it now, she may as well move to Moscow. You know, get away from it all for a while. Even that tool ex-husband-white-trash-singing-wannabe- bitch seems to be in better shape than her. Oooooh...can you imagine what a mess her child is going to be! Considering that both her parents HATE to abuse the drugs! Shame poor child...his mom once was hot, she once was stable in her life, and she once had people loving her. Now she is cooked, from the inside out. Good work Britter, you crazy bee-atch.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested again a few days ago for drunk driving, and having a bit of cocaine on her. And I think maybe driving on a suspeded licence. Crack-ho. Nothing new there then, fairly regular story. Will they tell us when she is NOT on drugs, because that will be news.

This week is blowing my mind into a million pieces. It's all too much for me right now, I'm going to go sit down, relax and take this all in. If that is at all possible.

Read the train wreck of Britney Spears HERE

Sean takes the Black Horse for a gallop...

2007-07-18T21:19:00.000+02:00

Why the FUCK can I not post a photo on this blogger thing? It's highly irritating me and I was looking at a takeover of Google, but if they can't sort out their "Blogger" site, I might just stop the transfer. Oh well, that means I will have $10 billion more in my bank account. However shall I spend it?

To new readers, that was a joke, I'm not really that rich. Currently my bank manager is telling me that I am IN something called "debt" Never heard of it. I'm waiting for the day that he tells me that I am IN Gisele Bundchen, the worlds top earning supermodel. Paste this link: http://www.news24.com/News24/Entertainment/Celebrities/0,,2-1225-2108_2149302,00.html
Apologies for not directly linking this, but Blogger is toy-toying with my head by not working.

Anyway, I don't really know what to say which is the reason for me sitting up by myself, with a Black Horse and coke. Oh you don't know Black Horse? Well it's vodka, R32,50 a bottle. They also make cane, gin and vodka. All R32,50 a bottle. Available at the bottle store near Coimbra, near Kenilworth in Cape Town. Probably wrecks your body, but makes you feel happy nonetheless. I'm at top speed right now.

So I was thinking, what makes a good vodka? I mean, there is shit at Makro for like R150 a bottle. But really, after 2 drinks(I'm a feather weight) I can't tell the difference between vodka and horse jizz. At Tiger Tiger I have one double vodka and creme soda and I can't tell the difference between right and wrong, and often find myself ogling 16 year olds. Clearly wrong...but with that drink...oooooh so right! Anyway...I should keep that on the down low.

As I ramble on I forget what I came here to write. This heartburn is killing me so I think I will pop to my medicine cabinet and in between the tik and acid...and rohypnol and eye drops...and beaver tranquilizers...I will quietly drink an entire bottle of Gaviscon to douse this fire in my heart. It's burning so much...but that could be from a broken heart after I realised that no one really loves me. Shit....life is a bitch...and then you become fuck off rich and the people who laughed at you suddenly want to hang out with you and touch you and be your friend and help you and let everyone know that you know them...well you get the point.

Shit tonight is hectic.

I'm thinking of a huge party tomorrow night but my wingman has left for Port Alfred until next week and because I am the youngest child I am very shy and too nervous to speak to girls(This is a well known trait of youngest children...being shy) and I...I need another Black Horse. Shit, I really need a wingman for tomorrow night at Tiger. I don't know how to deal with the masses of woman...and some guys...who flock to touch me, because so many people believe that I am a mystical figure who only exists inside this one dimensional screen on the internet.

So many people actually believe I am fake, it's quite disturbing.

I must post this photo, not to rate or anything, but I was tagged with some fox called Sarah on Facebook. I think the photo was taken at Wadda. She is so hot, pity she never remembers me and looks at me like I have just taken a piss on her new dress when I say hello. Facebook is wonderful, it's like a backup memory for the parts of the night you forget!

I was leaving a message on Shaun Oakes(www.shaunoakes.com) message board vibe, when I was replying to a comment by Annique. Anniques homepage was listed as some sort of dating site, and when I clicked on it, the first mynx I saw was this fox called sweet chilli17. Then, when I just went to news24, there was a thing on the site saying dare to meet me or something. And it was this same fox! I hate internet dating things, it's quite blind. But fook me, this girl is hot. Apparently she is just looking for friends, but she is rather easy on the eye.

Intriguing. You can see her on http://www.love2meet.co.za/s/view/1330053/a/367/
Sorry I can't make a direct link, Blogger is fucked. So am I it seems. Black Horse.

I'm sure I will do another intense post in 10 minutes or so while I go the to Engen to buy another coke

Until them my loved ones

I love all of you

Captain Jack

Drunk driving

2007-07-17T00:12:00.000+02:00

Wow, today seems to be a day of inspired writing! And for once it's not all rubbish, but I feel quite intelligent today.

I am patting myself on the back

Lovely.

Ok onto the article.

I feel this needs to be said, even though it may be obvious.

Don't drink and drive.

I remember when I was younger and I would hear stories of my older sister and how friends of her friends had been killed in drunk driving accidents. At the time it never really affected me as I was young, too young to drink or even worry about this stuff.

However as I have gotten older, these accidents have just got closer and closer to me. In the past few months I know of two serious accidents where guys were seriously injured, due to drunk/irresponsible driving. The latest story I heard was that a friend of some of my friends was killed on Friday in an accident. This however was not a drunk driving accident. I don't want to go into it as I don't know the whole story, but reckless driving just cannot go on. Maybe Fridays accident was just that, purely an accident, but the point is that someone died. People are getting killed and it seems that it is happening all the time now. Reckless/fast driving is just as deadly as drunk driving.

Personally, in Cape Town, I think the cops have been doing a fine job of clamping down on it, especially outside night clubs. In Claremont I always see police patrolling outside the clubs and on Friday when I was there they even had security walking through the parking area, keeping a check on things. They have gotten so strict that people are too scared to drive, even after one or two drinks, when they may be under the legal limit still. I won't lie, I have driven drunk before, and I bet so have many of us. However, in the past few years my friends and myself have refused to drive drunk. We won't get into a car with drunk drivers and I was chatting to BMP about a mates 21st birthday coming up this Saturday. The party is near BMP's house and the first thing he said was "It's cool to stay at my place in case any of us is too drunk" For us it's become the first thing we think of. "How are we getting home?" BMP even got a lift back home a while back because he was quite spent, and his mom had to drive him back to his car in the morning, after which he went to work! But that's cool, he's a responsible guy for doing that.

And you have to be strict. About two years ago a friend of mine wanted to drive back to Durbanville from my place in Claremont. We wouldn't allow him and he started getting furious with us, that we were questioning his ability to drive. It ended up with him swearing at us because BMP had taken his keys away. Clearly he was drunk, and he later said he was out of line. The point is, you need to be strict. If a mate says he can drive, when he clearly can't, you need to lay down the law. Don't just give up and say "Fine, go ahead, drive if you want"

Because if that friends gets killed on the way home you will never be able to forgive yourself.

With my mates it's known that at any time of the night, if you are too drunk or have missed a lift, give one of us a call and we will pick you up. No problem, that's what friends are for. There are no points, or "hero" status for driving drunk. I think it's a problem in SA, where guys are too "manly" to not drive just because they are drunk. To me it screams more of "immaturity" if someone wants to drive drunk.

The situation is getting bad though, and there is only so much the cops can do. We need to be responsible for our own actions, the traffic police are not there to hold our hands every second of the day.

So be safe.

I never lie

2007-07-16T23:35:00.000+02:00

Contrary to popular belief, I don't actually lie on this blog. If I did I would make up stories about me doing coke off a dead Filipino hooker. Obviously not Coca Cola, but cocaine...

Anyway it was fairly amusing then that I had an e-mail(An E-MAIL, not even a comment-madness) today questioning whether I had really seen Bryan Habana, Rassie Erasmus and Fourie du Preez at Tiger Tiger the other night.

So I went onto the mynx that I was dancing withs Facebook page and pulled the photo of Fourie off it.

I have the photo on my computer, but for some reason "Blogger" won't allow me to put a photo up. But when it works I will throw it on, as proof.

Until then my people...

Amstel on my mind

2007-07-16T23:17:00.000+02:00

Clever hey? As in "Am still on my mind" Like "Amstel beer is still on my mind" Whatever.

I'm not an advertising guru but as I learn more, as my mind matures, I do actually learn some things along the way in this game of life. I always used to wonder why Coca Cola, of which everyone in the world knows of it, still do advertising? Same with Pick 'n Pay, who always put flyers in my letter box, pretty much constantly. Basically it is to make sure that these companies are fresh in your mind and you never forget them. If they stopped advertising, smaller comapnies could start pumping out the ads, and subconsciously, over time, you would start seeing their logo more in your mind and go shop there. Or something like that.

And so it brings me to the point of Amstel beer, and that they are being quite sneaky. And clever. We all know that Hansa Marzen Gold is basically the competition, and now that there is no Amstel in SA, they are trying to chip into Amstels market dominance. I have seen them doing promotions at places such as Tiger Tiger and I see their boards at Forres in Cape Town. Now while Hansa are a visual presence in bars, Amstel are maintaining their presence in the newspapers. They have ads saying things such as "After reading this ad you will be 15 seconds closer to your next Amstel". Their ads go along those lines. Now it got me thinking. While I don't drink much beer, and if I do I will have a Windhoek, the brand that is the freshest in my mind at the moment is Amstel.

To me this is genius. Here is a beer that is not even currently available, and yet it is still the one being talked about and seen. It's presence seems to be still quite strong in our minds. Hansa on the other hand don't seem to be keeping their presence up, other than by being stocked at various places. And while it is clever that the new Hansa looks like Amstel, did the Hansa crew ever think that people would say "But it's basically the new Amstel" You see, even though they may be drinking Hansa, they still talk about Amstel.

So Amstel is probably being spoken about with nearly every Hansa that is being bought, and this keeps Amstel fresh in everyones minds. So when it returns, people will not ever really think it had disappeared because they were still talking about it. And then, what Amstel hope, is that all their original drinkers will once again turn to Amstel. I have no doubt this will happen.

I think that's all quite clever.

Amstel, you guys impress me.

And once again, we finish off another conversation with the word "Amstel"

Amstel fresh in our minds

Sheer genius

A few thoughts...

2007-07-16T22:10:00.000+02:00

...have been bouncing around in my fairly empty head. I thought I would put them on the internet.

There has been a story going around for a while, I'm not sure if it's just in Cape Town, or on the internet, but it's hilarious. I think I heard it from BMP. Basically, some dude was out at a club, or bar, and he was on the toilet, just chilling there minding his own business.

Then some guy comes running into the bathroom about to be sick, slams the first toilet stall door open, and this guy happens to be sitting there, and he gets vomited on. Now the guy who vomited on him obviously did not do this on purpose, but anyway, nervous that the guy on the toilet is going to get pissed off and beat him up, he punches the guy on the toilet in the face! CRAZY! Imagine sitting on the toilet, some guy vomits on you, and then punches you in the face! I don't think I could deal with that, it's so filthy! Well as I say, not sure if it's true. Just imagine this was you...I can't quite cope.

Then another thing that has been bugging me is beggars at the traffic lights. I'm a pretty decent guy, but I cannot stand being asked at literally every single traffic light for money! It's getting pathetic, and I hate having to be nice to these guys at every traffic light. I don't want to have to say more than once "No thanks" I really don't want to have to have a whole story about why I'm not giving these guys money every time my car comes to a standstill.

I know they obviously desperate, but I get quite bleak with them. You always hear stories of people saying that people with money are rude to beggars by not even looking at them, but seriously, some days you are just not in the mood to look at these people. If you drive a car, you get asked the same question maybe 30 times a day if you drive a lot. It gets tedious. It's like a kid asking "Are we there yet?" every 5 minutes in the car. You are bound to snap sometime.

Also, we cannot possibly help every person on the planet. In SA we are expected to pay everywhere we go. Park at a shopping centre, it's like R6 an hour. Park anywhere else, some beggar wants R2. Park somewhere else, a car guard is there. We cannot honestly be expected to pay everyone we see, as it's literally not financially viable.

I honestly think that these car guards at big shopping centres should be paid for by the centres. If I am a paying shopper, safe parking should be a given. If i am going to be parking my car at your centre, I should be safe. I just think this thing of car guards is out of control, and I believe many people pay way too much every month on car guards, and if you think, not too long ago there were no car guards, and most of us got by just fine.

Even worse is the car guards, especially at Spar in Rosmead Avenue, Cape Town, who expect you to pay them when you have literally been there 5 minutes. That's no joke, 5 minutes and they want money. Then when you don't pay them they look at you as though you are a criminal.

It's getting crazy.

Other than that I hope everyone is watching the Tour de France, our Robbie Hunter is doing remarkably well, and I nearly cried the other day when he narrowly missed out on a stage win, coming in 2nd place. We need him to get a win. It's the mountain stages now, but in the final days there will be some more sprints and hopefully he can pull out some serious pace for a win.

Well then...until next time

Oh also...if you are in Cape Town on the 20th January 2008, book a ticket out. I think that is the correct date. To be honest, I'm thinking of leaving for the whole week.

I can't possibly stand to be in the same city as Whore Spice, that one married to Becks. I feel as though Cape Town is being violated by them being here.

What did Cape Town do to deserve this?

Cant they do a tour to Guam? Or the North Pole?

It's heart breaking

Drunk in Claremont? Terrible

2007-07-16T18:37:00.000+02:00

I was driving through Rondebosch the other day and saw a newspaper poster on a light pole saying something like "Merryweather was drunk"

For those of you not aware, Andrew Merryweather was beaten up at a petrol station in Claremont and is now paralysed. What is crazy is that the newspapers feel the need to put this up on a sign post. If you read the article, you will see that an attendant at the petrol station testified and said Merryweather was drunk. That's fine.

But the way the newspapers make it come across is that it is a problem that Merryweather was drunk. They will say they are not doing this and are merely reporting the facts. I think the fact that he was drunk is not important at all, not important enough to make it onto newpsaper boards.

This does not necessitate beating someone so badly that they are paralysed. This is bullshit. The kids who beat him up need to harden up and stop hiding behind their rich parents. Because money doesn't buy class, and it should not buy your way out of jail.

Let's see what the trial will make of it.

Tiger Tuesday

2007-07-13T19:40:00.000+02:00

I was, while replying to a certain Shaun Oakes, Cape Town's favourite son, that I actually have not written here for a while. I am rejecting my very heart and soul, my readers! I love you all. Yes YOU...and YOU. And there are only two of you.

Anyway I was chilling the other day at Tiger, Tiger Tuesday. So I'm sitting at the bar(No...I was standing) and I see some dude next to me who looked remarkably like Bryan Habana, the guy who plays that sport. I think it's called rugby, maybe pronounced "Ugby" It might be a silent "R" It's a fairly new sport, where you basically run with a ball for an extended period of time, in order to touch the ball over a line and kick it through a pole.

Personally this is bullshit to me, and I doubt whether the sport will ever take off. I mean, imagine having an "Ugby" World Cup? Ludicrous!

So I asked this little mynx I was with if it was him. At this point I realised I looked remarkably girly, as I was asking a girl if that "dude" was Bryan Habana. Very bad for my image.

So then, and this is true, I start joking around going "Oh my GOD, it's Bryan Habana" and I was batting my eyelids and stuff. So this guy, who I thought was random, looks at me as though I have just had sex with a sheep. Anyway, I forget about him as I think he is some punk boy, until i realise what I have done the next morning.

I went onto this mynx's Facebook page, and saw the photos from the night. The random guy in question was Fourie du Preez! If that's how you spell it? I am a complete idiot.

So anyway, back to the bar story. Bryan Habana was ordering a Malibu and something I think, and he kept looking my way as though I must acknowledge him. I mean, I was pretty close to him, pretty much touching. I think maybe he was just nervous. But I was not going to go "Oh Bryan Habana right?" No. screw that. He was lucky to be in my enigmatic presence. He was clearly in awe of my power, looks, women mingling around me and so on and so forth.

Then I turned around, with my double vodka and Creme Soda(R10 I think, crazy) and I saw Rassie Erasmus. I'm not really too interested in him as he is not a real celeb like Becks. So I won't talk about him.

What I must mention is the girls we were with were crazy. Myself and Charlie V had to entertain 7 girls by ourselves, and obviously we did because we are just hilarious.

But by 1am I was so tired of seeing boobs, making girls laugh and just being awesome that I left.

I don't know why I just wrote this post, but I did.

Anyway, hopefully next week brings more intelligent stuff.

Take it easy

And if it's easy, take it home

Sunset Tan- Hilarious

2007-07-09T09:16:00.000+02:00

I can't believe I actually watched this last night- but I had to. Sunset Tan on E! Entertainment is the most pathetic show ever! It follows the antics of the people working at a place called sunset tan, I believe in L.A. Yesterday's show had a little kid coming in, probably about 13 years old, and her mom wanted her to get a tan for her class photos as she said the previous year she looked a little pale. Fook me! Are you serious? So they spend like $1300 on this girl, to get her tanned. That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of.

All the people going in and out of there are obviously tanning addicts, as many of them were various shades of orange. It's such a pathetic reality show, and I always hate it that I actually watch this shit. I'm shocked.

I am lucky however that I have this bronzed skin like Achilles of Troy all year round. It's one of the benefits of being a descendant of various Greek God's and Goddesses.

And this cut body

Zim is trashed

2007-07-09T09:06:00.000+02:00

In news that was not really news breaking, we hear that Zimbabwe has collapsed. Well it's not surprising really consider the idiot who runs the place.

But Zimbabwe is an interesting case, because it is so messed up, so beyond repair, that it needs to start again. To me, I'm no political person, but what do you do about Zimbabwe? Everything has crashed. By the end of this week there will be no food and no fuel. Their money is worth nothing and they are the poorest millionaires on the planet. What Zimbabwe needs to do is start again. You need to pretend that Zimbabwe never existed and act as though that piece of the planet has just been discovered. There is no possible way to fix it and in essence, you need to let the place self destruct.

I think it's sad for all the people there, and it is the government who have caused all the people all their suffering. We see a place where there is literally no food. No fuel. There is nothing they can do about it. It is in disrepair and what is happening now is inevitable. It had to happen and it is now happening, and I guess we will just see what happens as the week goes on.

Let's play

2007-07-07T11:42:00.000+02:00

I was perusing, at my leisure, the website for Let's play as I had heard from a friend that they were wanting to get 1 million soccer balls from now until the 2010 World Cup. Basically, Let's play focuses on getting kids out and being active, in essence, getting out and playing. I think this is a fantastic idea, as kids are not getting out enough these days. Playing sports also allows them to focus their minds on something useful and socialises them. This keeps them(Well hopefully) off drugs and away from crime.

However, this campaign to raise 1 million soccer balls seems a bit odd. Apparently these balls are being collected to encourage "play" But why not do something more useful, like get donations and sponsors for soccer training clinics. This way our kids will have a chance at developing their skills and maybe even make careers out of sport one day. It will also help with soccer development in South Africa, as we will have a large group of young kids with the potential to be good players, if that is indeed what they want to do.

And where are these 1 million balls going? If we are just going to hand them out to kids, who are going to kick them on the street for a few weeks until they break, are we achieving anything?

It's just a thought really.

I am a genius

2007-06-29T12:19:00.000+02:00

Last night we had a bit of a party at Tiger where I saw Lieschen Botes, the model. You might recall her from the Sports Illustrated swimwear edition. Or Google her. Anyway after bending it until after 2am, I hit Barcellos for a chicken burger where I also bought the GQ. I then went straight to the Victorias Secret section and saw our very own Alessandra Ambrosio.

I read further down in the article about her and it said that as a child she was insecure about her large ears and had them pinned back at age 11. I'm not joking. Buy the GQ. Realise that I found this flaw earlier.

Then praise me.

Then also be jealous that the photo above was taken on Clifton yesterday. It's winter here in Cape Town. And we still get the most awesome weather. Yes we do.

Life is good

Enjoy the weekend I can already tell it's Friday by the smell of cheap booze that permeates the air.

Take it easy

Interesting

2007-06-26T07:31:00.000+02:00

Found THIS on The Cool Hunter.

Interesting.

I wonder how it affects your concentration on the road if you are going at speed?

Quite clever anyway.

Jonas Bendiksen: Satellites

2007-06-26T07:13:00.000+02:00

This is quite an interesting looking book, and I saw this mentioned in GQ. Jonas Bendiksen travelled through the former USSR taking photographs and in Kazakhstan he found the wreckages of space rockets and he also found the people who salvage these rockets for scrap.

If you go to the website you will see two guys sitting on top of one of these rockets, with butterflies flying all around them. It really is one of the most awesome photographs I have ever seen. There you are out in the middle of nowhere and there are two guys sitting on a rocket that has fallen from the atmosphere.

And then there are the butterflies which give the photo an eerie feel, like something out of a movie. It's great because it's a photo you feel you have never ever seen. Probably because you never have seen something like this.

It makes a great change from the usual coffee table books and would be a great addition to liven up that old coffee table of yours.

Go HERE for more information on the book and how you can own it.

The other half

2007-06-24T23:10:00.000+02:00

Just to make this whole picture clearer, let's have a look at Alessandra's competition for the most beautiful girl on the planet. It's Gisele.

Hell Gisele

You look fine today

Study the photos and then decide on one of them. Or, if your wealth and fame permits(Mine doesn't), you can have both of them.

I found the flaw

2007-06-20T13:27:00.000+02:00

For years now I have told people that I WILL NOT marry, unless that marriage is to Gisele Bundchen. People know this. I always thought Gisele was the perfect person. Some people said her nose was too big, her eyes too this and that, but that all of her features put together made a pretty fine oil painting. Then people started coming to me with regards to a certain Alessandra Ambrosio.

For the past couple of weeks I have been studying her pictures in the June 2007 GQ (SA Edition) and had nearly come to the conclusion that I would marry her or Gisele. She was too beautiful. I never told anyone that I had a thing for her, as due to the circles I run in, she would probably find out and think I'm a fool for not letting her know. So I kept it quiet.

However, today I found it. Because I have many hours of leisure at my disposal, I read a lot. I was just reading through Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas again, and then turned my complete attention to studying these photos again. I wanted to prove everyone wrong.

Alessandra Ambrosio has a funny ear. I'm serious. This photo is from Google Image search and is the photo from GQ that I have in my hands. It may in fact be better to buy the GQ and hold the pictures close to you(Getting weird) Seriously, buy the GQ and have a close look at her ears. I know a friend who has this thing about feet(Mind you, I do too) So if a girl is smoking hot but has one odd toe, he will go off her. I don't have quite the same vibe with ears, especially not when they are attached to Alessandra.

However, I just thought I would make it clear that like Gisele(And her nose), Alessandra is not perfect. I also want to be credited as the person who first noticed this. I think I only saw it now as previously I had only been looking at her fantastic tits.

So I have found the flaw in the operating system that is Alessandra.

Mind you, if I were to be sitting in my hotel room at The Palms in Vegas, sipping on some gin and juice, and Alessandra had to walk up to me, naked, covered in oil, with a Mojito in her hand, and she said to me "Here Sean you SEXY FUCK(What happened there?), take a drink. And while you are at it, take me" Then, in this special situation, I would have to take her.

HOWEVER, this is the only situation I would have her in. In any other, less idyllic situation, I would definitely be put off by her ear.

Now click on the photo and study that ear.

But...I bet you still would.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

2007-06-18T08:58:00.000+02:00

I don't have much to write and so I thought maybe I would recommend something to read. The weather is not great and no one really works so it's good to watch DVD's and read stuff.

Like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson- "A savage journey to the heart of the American dream"

It is about Hunter and his trip he took to Las Vegas to cover s car race. Anyway, you probably all know the story. He spends the money given to him by a magazine on drugs and gets completely out of shape. I love drug stories because they are so mad. Hunter spent his whole life being paid to cover things for magazines and in the process got completely off his head. He would do road trips and do drugs. It would seem that he was never in an office. He would drink beer while working, he was just living the life. And he knew lot's of people.

The book really is savage, but I enjoyed it and often find myself flipping to the front page where the first line reads:

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold

Classic stuff. Buy it HERE, and have it delivered straight to your door, or office. Brilliant.

BULLSHIT!

2007-06-12T10:23:00.000+02:00

I think we will all agree that THIS is bullshit!

Black owned

2007-06-11T12:21:00.000+02:00

I'm always intrigued at this whole thing in South Africa what with quotas and BEE and the like.

However I think we are pushing it now.

We are being stupid, and while I don't just accuse people of being racist, I think this borders on it.

I see on a packet of Blue Ribbon bread that it says "Premier Foods- Largest 100% black owned company in SA"

So therefore a white person will never be allowed to be a part owner of this company. Not that it really bothers me, but what would happen if I had to start up an empire, and then advertise on it "54 Empire- Largest white owned company in SA"

Do you not think there would be cries of racism?

Every company these days seems to be having to have a certain amount of black employees and white and so on.

So why can Premier Foods get away with being 100% black, and why must they declare this on their packaging? Is it really necessary to put this out there, on the packaging?

Intriguing

Hardest man on the planet

2007-06-06T09:18:00.000+02:00

I had always believed that Mike Horn was the hardest man on the planet.

Until I read the April 2007 issue of GQ and found out about Dean Karnazes. 50 marathons in 50 consecutive days. 563 kilometres without sleeping over three days. We have found the bionic man.

I managed to find the exact GQ article, which they had re-used, right over HERE.

Read it. Marvel at it. Ask "How?"

How can this stuff be possible?

Warning: Idol ahead

2007-06-05T20:39:00.000+02:00

I have just been shocked whilst watching Prison Break. M-Net are now telling me that they are on their fourth season of Idols.

Fuck

What ever happened to our so called "Idols" Where is Anke? And Karin? Heinz still kicks it about for the simple reason that he is the entire package. He is easy on the eye. He has a voice. Do you think Britney Spears would have done as well as she did if she looked like Rosie O' Donnell? No, I don't think she would have. The voice is only a part of the idol.

It's no offence to anyone, but the fact is that people want an idol who is hot, good looking, a belter, whatever you will call it. It's what is in demand.

Let's not stuff it up again this time boys.

Battle at Kruger

2007-06-05T20:38:00.001+02:00

Check this out. I doubt anyone will ever see thi

Heard on the town

2007-06-03T19:25:00.000+02:00

This was heard at Wadda in Claremont the other night. A girl was walking away from us with quite a fit body. She then turned around and her face did not match her body profile. Some guy pipes up with this pearler:

"She's got a body from Baywatch and a face from Crime Watch!"

It's OK. You can laugh at this. Naturally, I, being quite a prominent, upstanding member of society, did not laugh. Instead, I rapped this silly boy on his knuckles and sent him out the door for making such a crude comment.

Yes

That's exactly what I did

He is back

2007-06-01T08:35:00.000+02:00

Yes, I am back. It'd been a good break but I feel refreshed. Ahhh....that's better.

I know people don't care about my life, but would rather be interested in the well articulated, insightful articles that I write about life. Or something like it. Anyway, for you to gain greater insight into how and what I write, I must let you in to my life. You are some of the lucky ones who will read this. Not many people gain such great insight. Consider yourself blessed, my child.

Last we left off we went to Springbok Nude Girls at Madame Zingara, which was mad. That was Sunday. Today is Friday. Mayhem has ensued in between.

Before I carry on let me direct you to a article which I feel you need to read because it where I get inspiration from, and it is why I am so cool, calm and collected these days. It is quite an amazing piece, and works brilliantly.Get it HERE

The only problem is that it works too well. Sometimes I come across as seriously cool and chilled, but because I look at these girls like they are a 4, I kind of lose the plot. I talk to them like I don't really have time for them, and they are blessed to be in my presence. They actually think so highly of me that they believe they are out of my league! Like I am in a higher league! This is obviously not true as I am probably a 4 compared to the like of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. I go completely mad. Firstly I talk to them as though they are a 4 and then I come across as though I believe I am a 10. Arrogance radiates from me! I don't really want this, but it happens. Might have to change tactics.

You may have read the piece about kids these days being so dumb a few articles down. Anyway, we bumped into a pearler last night. My friend Charles pointed her out and said "Look it's Paris Hilton" She actually did have some Paris features, big sloppy bottom lip, blonde hair, quite tall, dumb looking. But she was mildly attractive until I said something to her. She looked at me as though I was a juvenile delinquent. She has clearly never been on the internet and seen the power I command over this city. She is lucky I never got her name as it would be all over the internet today and in about 5000 peoples homes. And she would never work in this city again.

But seriously though, she just came across as so dumb that I thought I was losing brain cells to her through some sort of osmosis thing. I'm not joking, she sounded so stupid that I believed she was some sort of alien. Unable to function on her own brain cells, she gets close to you in order to steal your brain cells by osmosis. She needs your brain cells just so she can have basic functions like breathing and walking. I think I lost 40 IQ points last night just being in her presence. Luckily my IQ is off the chart and I ca afford to lose lot's of points.

Then some chick tried to bite my bottom lip off. Don't worry, she will have no job today and if she was at college she will automatically fail. Because I say so.

We went to Sobhar last night to watch "jacSharp alongside Julia"(As my invite stated). She is actually rather good! She has this silky smooth voice, long flowing hair...wait...a...second. I must stop now. She is dating one of my good friends so I will not carry on. Sorry Lex. I love you all. No but seriously she is actually quite awesome, not just from a "She is dating my friend" sort of view.

I was actually at Woolworths with Brittany, the hot American girl, who is actually really one of the guys. Anyway Brittany wanted a mention here so I gave it to her. Now we will never stop mentioning her. So yesterday we were at Woolworths and Britter bought the new Glamour magazine and I saw Julia's name mentioned there, I think maybe they had a free CD or something. So Julia is doing quite well. It's nice to know that if my life turns out shit, I can still hang with the cool crowd.

I must watch Julia again because I was mildly distracted by Brittany and Danielle who joined us at Sobhar. Very naught of them. In between stroking their hair like the guy in Scary Movie(Take my strong hand! Oh child...the resemblance is striking...your eyes...the hair...the nose...) myself and Charlie V also managed to listen to Julia's vocals. We are multi taskers. Yeah so those two were distracting me the whole night wanting all sorts of things from me. As people do.

Danielle left early to go "study" I said I have no idea what study means but I let her know that she was looking quite serious and this "study" thing must have something to do with tracking down the FBI's 10 most wanted criminals. So I let her go. Her hand slipped from mine and I felt my heart fall to the ground and shatter. I hope you caught the baddies sweetie. Call.....me.....

Then Brittany was another story. Because I act like I am a 10, I come across as some sort of uber hero from Troy or 300. Brittany cannot handle me. She really can't. You must see how nervous she gets around me, and Jerry! It's quite cute actually. She says she is dating someone, but I think it's a lie. It calms her down thinking she is dating someone, and therefore she is not quite so nervous around me. But she still lies to herself, telling herself that she is in a relationship, so as not to fall madly in love with me. She knows once she falls in love with me, she will never fall out of it. She will have a greater chance of falling out of a Virgin Airways flight heading to Heathrow. Brittany really is a 10 though, even though she says she is a 7.3. And she has an American accent. High five! And she is American. Sexy times! Right...

I must quickly also mention that Arno Carstens is playing on the 24th June at The Green Dolphin(Whatever the fuck that is) at the V&A Waterfront. Time: 19:30. Call 021 421 7471 for details and the whole shindig.

I must also mention Levi's here because currently their T-shirts are sick. They have the best fit, the best designs, the best quality and the best price. I bought another one yesterday, my third one this year. They have quite a rock star edge to them, which clearly suits my lifestyle perfectly. One place to never buy at is Lee Cooper. I tried on a pair of jeans there yesterday, and I am quite a slim guy(But FUCKING ripped) and with the jeans on, I could not put my wallet into my pants. Talk about Bee Gees nut crackers. And they were low cut, so my Woolworths boxers were showing, and I felt like a porn star. Really, you are not going to find anyone much smaller than me so I don't know who the fuck they are catering for. I cannot fit into one of their shirts either, they hug my body like a coke whore hugs her coke. It's a pity really, because Lee Cooper are decently priced, have the SICKEST designs(Sort of a Diesel vibe), but they just have the worst fit ever. So we will refuse to endorse Lee Cooper. But Levi's are my boys. Except for their jeans, because they don't offer many in a bootcut anymore, which is stupid. Rather save up, go to Diesel at the V&A Waterfront and get yourself a true pair of rock star jeans.

That's it for now, I will post something later after I sleep, got home at 4am. Rock star.

Channel 4 News Team out.

Where have I been?

2007-05-30T13:33:00.000+02:00

As you know I am low(Actually out) of internet, and this is costing me a fortune.

Anyway it's nearly the new month kids, and we will soon be upgrading to real websites and ADSL and all that other crap. Just give me time. I am working on it.

So I went to Ignite on Saturday, it was average. Nothing to get too excited about. Springbok Nude Girls at Madame Zingara on Sunday were CRAZY! Arno knows how to rock out. He is living the dream.

Well I found these pics and the reason I show them to you is that I used to fly at about half mast for this chick. That was until I saw the "Fire crotch" pictures on X17. Not nice. Not nice at all. I won't even give you the link, I don't want you to share my pain.

Well these are the new ones. To think that she got me excited in jean pant. I realised my mistake when girls at Tiger started hitting on me and they were hotter than this. And more sober. And less fucked in the head. That's right, I don't hit on girls. I give my "Val Kilmer"(When he was young) stare and they suddenly must have me. True story.

Myself and Jerry were at Tiger last night just sending out the vibe. We could see all these naughty girls looking at us thinking "I wonder who they are? They must be really famous." Because the whole night we spoke to no one. We acted like we were not interested in anyone. Now those girls are thinking "I WANT to speak to those guys" We left them hanging last night wondering when they would see us again.

Fantastic.

They will dream of us the whole week. Next time we go there they will be all over us. A brilliant way of making people want you.

Anyway back to Sober Lohan

Check the alcoholic here

Fuck she looks horrendous! Imagine waking up next to that and she is lying on your arm. Thats when you start chewing your arm off and you run. You run far. Far, far away to a land of soberness where the kids play in the fields and Fridays are spent playing chess. Ok that is pushing it but you get the idea

Spending their youth

2007-05-24T08:03:00.000+02:00

WARNING! Semi-intelligent article ahead(I know, we are acting way out of character for this blog!)

I have written on this before, on the other blog, commenting on how today's youth are quite dumb. I feel the need to go in depth, as I study journalism, and need to practice this whole writing thing!

As always, before I start this piece, I must mention these facts:

I know, kids are always going to drink and be dumb in their teenage years. I say todays youth are dumb. But yesterdays youth were probably also dumb. Maybe I was dumb, but I don't recall being as brainless as the people I see out today.

I don't proclaim to be the most intelligent person on the planet, but I do have a sense of the world around me. I know things. You can speak to me about things and I will probably be able to hold a competent conversation. Not like the people I meet out.

"So what do you think about this whole kidnapping of Madelaine?" I say(This is not true, I never had this conversation, but it is a typical conversation you might have)

"Mada-who bru? No like, let's go smoke some spliff" Says fucking numb skull with a double methylated spirits and coke in his/her hand.

I have a base of friends who I feel I can rely on and we watch out for each other, always having each others best interests in mind. We can go to Forries and actually speak about various intelligent topics without the need to get fucked out of our minds. We can discuss business ideas, new ad campaigns, new trends in journalism, the move away from traditional media to online media, global warming, future worldwide trends and so on and so forth. We can speak about gaps in various markets and we think of ways to fill those gaps. And we are not proclaiming to be saviours of the world, we are just trying to do something. We are trying to find ways to actually contribute to society, and maybe make a bit of money along the way, but most of all just have some good fun, without the need to be high on every pharmaceutical on the planet.

Not to mock people who study, and have jobs as pizza delivery people or whatever. I realise people have to make money, and I'm fine with that. You do get people working at restaurants to pay off their studies, and I know people like that. But they have a goal in mind, and that's fantastic. But you get those people who are just studying to pass the time, and when they eventually finish their studies they will just try get any job they can. They will then just work that job, getting promoted every now and then, and generally leading a dull existence. Until then they just cruise along in their studies, work as waiters, drink and smoke. Cool. You are quite exciting and interesting. The problem with these people is that they go out at night thinking they run the city they live in. Tycoons by night, broke stoned students by day.

It would be easy for me to smoke weed every day. I can do that. I have access to that. Do I want that? No. What is going to happen to all these people when they finish their studies? They are going to say "I'm leaving South Africa, there are no opportunities here. I'm going to go overseas and coin it" Go ahead buddy.

Leaving South Africa is just another excuse to slum it, because overseas no one nows who you are. You can go create a false identity over there. Why not focus some of your limited mind on South Africa and do something? I promise you, there are plenty of things to do over here. Between myself and a friend, we can come up with plenty ideas in two hours at Forries. And we do.

"No but I'm white and I'm male, I will never make it here, everything is against me"

If that's your opinion, then please do leave. I will close the door ever so gently behind you. Then while you go pour pints in London, and smoke pot in Jamaica, I will start building a little empire over here. Then one day when you decide to come back, you can work for me. Actually that's brilliant. I won't have to pay you too much because you don't have much to offer me. I win.

I did grow up with an older brother and sister, and so knowing people older than me has maybe taught me some things I would not learn if I just grew up alone.

But I just feel that today's youth are pretty stupid. If I was thirty, maybe this article would have no substance, as I would obviously have way more life experience that an 18 year old. But I'm only four years older than these 18 year olds.

The reason for writing this article was our trip to Chrome last night, where I don't think I could have held a conversation with anyone.

I spent a good deal of time, once again, occupied by my own thoughts. Even at Tiger on Tuesday night, we had a cool time, but when I spoke to Jerry D later on that evening the first thing he said was , and this is pretty much word for word "Oh my fuck those people are stupid, I couldn't talk to them"

It's like talking to a black hole, where you try keep a conversation, but it just keeps on getting sucked up. When you are finished talking, it's as though you never said anything. Then the people you are talking to go "Let's go get more shooters"

And honestly, when I walk into a place, and you know me, and I say hello, don't look at me like I have just committed a murder spree. You are not that cool that you can treat me like this. No one is that cool. Not even Dan Carter is that cool(Okay...maybe he is). But in your mind you are ice cool, you are it. Seriously though, you can say hello. I don't care if you are with all your image friends. You are a mogul by night, but what are you by day? Exactly. Now smile and say hello to me, it's the least you can do. What did I ever do wrong? Nothing. Just because you have your crew around you does not mean that you are above me. Who are you anyway? An upgrade of the human species that I belong to? Am I version 1 and you are version 5? Am I Microsoft Windows '95 and you are Vista? Because that's the way you act. Like you are on a different level to me.

I have actually gotten to the point, where even if a girl is seriously hot, but fucking dumb, I just can't be interested in her. It's crazy! I feel so bad about it(Or do I?)! It's odd, you see a girl, hot, start speaking to her and then you are like "Well good grief, please keep walking. Come back when you have filled your brain with at least two intelligent sentences"

Some people even argue though, in these brainless peoples defense "Oh but I'm sure they are nice people"

Well yes, but lot's of things are NICE.

Tea and scones on a Sunday after Church are NICE

Cucumber sandwiches at the Sunday cricket are NICE.

Ducks waddling in the water at the local park are NICE

I'm off the hook at the moment. Somebody stop me!

Come on people, let's at least try act intelligent? Please? Anyone? Ok it's cool because I have intelligent people I can talk to, but we can't possibly be the only ones. We are not an elite group like that. It's not possible.

But I'm starting to think it is.

Out of megs

2007-05-23T17:02:00.000+02:00

I won't lie, I have completely annihilated my internet this month, and find myself with about 20 megs until the end of the month so you would probably not expect much from me until next month.

I will say we are all over the clubs like a cheap suit right now. Not that you care. Anyway.

Last night we went to Tiger(Gasp...again) because they were promoting Hanza Marzen Gold. Naturally, we knew the promo girls, Ash and Dan, as we do. I don't recall paying for a drink the whole night. We each got a free drink on entrance, and then people who were not drinking theirs were passing them onto me. Naturally I was not worried about them slipping me a roofie because I am now immune to it.

The funny thing with this new Marzen Gold is that they are obviously targeting the Amstel crowd. However, as much as they try to differentiate their brand, everyone keeps saying "So it's basically like Amstel"

The first thing I noticed was that the bottles were remarkably similiar. It even has that annoying foil that Amstel bottles used to have. That gold foil that gets stuck in your teeth and makes you look like you are trying to bling it in Compton.

This must be a monumental ball ache for advertisers. Because the more they try tell us it's not trying to be Amstel, the more we say it is Amstel. The promo girls were specifically told not to mention anything about Amstel, which they did not. Good girls. They should have just said it was Amstel in the first place, and then us, the consumers would say "No it's Hansa Marzen Gold" You see how I use reverse psychology there?

"Fuck you are a genius" I hear you whispering to yourself

"I know, thank you" I reply by telepathetic methods.

If Amstel want to completely fuck the market up when they get back, they should do away with that foil. Because even if people dig Marzen Gold, they will choose Amstel purely to avoid the ball ache that the foil gives them. Amstel, you guys should employ me, I am a genius. Think about it boys.

Tonight we find ourselves bizarrely on the guest list for Chrome. I have no idea what is going on here, but we are going. I don't know the current situation so I will just go along and see what happens.

Saturday finds us being invited to the AAA School of Advertising party at Ignite in Camps Bay

Fantastic

Thanks BMP for organising that we make it to this event.

I don't know what this event holds for us, but APPARENTLY AAA is rife with females. Not that we are there for that.

Strictly business

Strictly business

The mystery unravels

2007-05-22T10:26:00.000+02:00

As the hamster in my head starts walking again...on three legs.

Could "Dre" be "Andre"?

Of which we currently only know one.

Rondebosch maybe?

The lightbulb in my head is burning very dim, and my thinking cap is torn, but there is something there...

Is he serious?

2007-05-21T19:59:00.000+02:00

It's the 300th post! Crack the bubbly and the crack sandwiches! Someone please kiss me...now!

Due to the vast amount of clubbing we have been doing of late, we have a story. I must also mention, although you don't care at all, that Tiger is on for tomorrow, a party is on at the Hout Bay Pink Palace of Poon for Wednesday, and BMP has been my hero and organised some sort of AAA School of Advertising ticket for me, for a party they are having at Ignite on Saturday. Dirty AAA girls running wild, spending their youth like a $1 bill, short skirts, thumping music, nibbling my ear, wanting my vast writing talent, wanting the white picket fence, the dream, the Malibu house, the gimp...Getting carried away.

Well...so...

We were at Tiger last week and this little girl I was Saturday Night Fevering it like John Travolta with had momentarily taking her gaze off my Adonis like body. Taking the opportunity to see who else we could see on the dance floor, I noticed a girl, and I noticed her breasts as they were quite well formed.

Then I saw something that reminded me of a psycho. Someone, somewhere in the club, was pointing a lazer at her tits that said "I love(It was actually a heart) you" I looked to see where psycho, Harry potter wand waving, library geek, computer punisher was. But I could not see him.

I was thinking "Are you serious?" I mean who does this? Do you really think that this girl is going to fall madly in love with you when you use a move out of the "Paedophile Starter Pack- Set 1"? Who are you?

I mean I have probably(I say probably so as not to admit it) used the "So you come here often" line. In fact WE used the "It's cool I have a licence for these bad boys"(In reference to our guns) line on Thursday. She laughed. It actually worked. Unbelievable. It's so cheesy it has to work. I have given out plenty of tickets to the gun show, I'm sure others have in all seriousness looked at a girl and used my favourite:

"Hey you know of a good vet?"

"Why?" The little minxy fox replies

"Cos these puppies are sick!"

It's dumb, but at least the girl knows you are being dumb. Pointing a lazer at a girl is bordering on stalker/freakshow/kiddie fiddler.

More often than not it's my fame that people are attracted to. Most people recognise me from Fight Club and I'm totally cool with that. So are they.

It's all fair game

Seriously though, never EVER use that lazer pointer again.

What planet are you from?

Zion?

Colin Moss-1000 mile stare on the rails

2007-05-21T10:51:00.000+02:00

Please note, the next post will be our 300th.

300 posts of absolute rubbish, great.

I also say "celebs" because I can't say I really celebrate them.

Anyway back to this one. I think when I need to write something intelligent that I can. However, I just never think of writing anything intelligent. I just decided to though and came up with this topic in a few seconds. I am a genius.

I took the Colin Moss angle here because we used to see Colin all over the place. It was Fear Factor, then Idols, and at those times he was doing alright. He was OK. He then decided that he needed to cash in on his fame and punish the industry and get as much money out of it as he could. Look, I'm not writing this from the right point of view because I don't know what he is doing now, but we just never see him around anymore. I think he stuffed it up when he decided that he needed to become an actor. Some things should just never be attempted. I'm not going to try be a hero and attempt to make the SA rugby team. And so Colin should stay out of acting.

I never watched that muck movie he made, "Number 10", nor do I ever intend watching it. It's not my thing. I want to watch real actors. Colin was not cut from the same piece of cloth as Leonardo Di Caprio, and he should not pretend he was.

I think he completely lost his marbles when after training for Number 10, and chicks saying what good shape he was in, he decided to be a USN poster boy. No. Wrong career move son. I still remember his ad. He was chilling there, after just finishing boxing or something, with a bottle of USN EnerG and the line "Finally, a real sports drink"

If I want to know what a real sports drink is, I want to be hearing it from Ryk "The Bus" Neethling. Or Roland. Or Michael Phelps. Not Colin Moss, actor, MC, model, presenter, comedian etc etc.

It worries me when people try and be everything. Colin should stick to one career. He is a jack of all trades and a master of none. I have never heard his comedy but apparently it is particularly dismal.

Colin, to get your career back on track, stick to the TV thing. You were sometimes cheesy on Idols, but it was alright, we forgive you. Give up acting, comedy shows and whatever else you find yourself in. Advertise brands that you believe in and use.

Come now son, we know you can do it.

Lightning crashes

2007-05-20T22:11:00.000+02:00

It's not really crashing now, but my iPod is throwing out "Lightning Crashes" by Live and the synergy between myself and the earth is quite spectacular right now. I wish you could experience it. I know weather is not really an interesting thing to talk about and I will often find myself at a club, chatting to some stunner who is clearly four leagues above me and I will say "So crazy weather hey?" I immediately know, at the pathetic utterance of that line that I must cut my losses, and go find someone else. Someone just in the league of a normal human, and not a supermodel. It's like Paul Adams continually thinking that he is actually a cricketer, and that he is actually going to make more than water boy. For me I know when I have hit rock bottom and know when to get the hell out of there.

Anyway back to the weather. We decided that Forries would be the ticket for watching the rugby on Saturday and I knew it was going to be full but I reasoned that the amount of talent mingling would more than make up for it. I was wrong. There was plenty of talent, but there was also plenty of sweaty man pits walking past me, brushing my finely tuned body. I could not cope with this. Then I removed my long top as the pizza oven was belting out the degrees of heat like a crack house. It was getting to the point where I was bucketing down in sweat. Kieran was sweating like a coke whore(Kieran is a coke whore) Alain was just looking around confused as to all the heat, little bums and what the fuck were we doing here?

After much discussion we decided to head to the Pink Palace of Poon in Hout Bay. Well the windy road to Hout Bay was like a war zone. There was an entire oak tree in the road at one point. The emergency teams were working their tit's off. At one point at the bottom of a hill there was one emergency worker, up to his knees in water, plunging a stormwater drain. Honestly, it looked like he was plunging a shower drain or something. Someone give the man a raise, I was freezing enough as it was in the VR3.

We ended up at the Hout Bay place until about 12pm, it was mad. We smashed a bottle of bubbly, and mildly pissed I started shivering. I decided against using the "body heat" method used when you are out in the woods and half dying. It was after all only three of us guys. I'm sure if Adriana, Gisele and Heidi were there the body heat method would have worked a charm.

The Pink Palace of Poon finds itself situated right near the World of Birds, so we had a nice high vantage point to look over the ocean. We saw the lightning and it was awesome. We drank bubbles. The drive home was a nightmare though. I am not joking, I was driving as slow as I could, with my brights on and there were times when I was going on intuition as to where the road was. I am surprised I did not crash, because there are no glow in the dark road marking and not many cats eyes to guide you. I relied on my Spidey sense, which is handy. Kieran drove behind me in the Hawk.

Did I tell you for winter we have decided to give out car's animal names? The VR3 will always be the VR3 but for this weather is is The Polar Bear. Because it's the only mean beast that will tackle the Hout Bay road, at 12pm, during a storm, and survive.

You might be asking "Where was wingman BMP?"

BMP had a horrific accident involving a wheat cutting tool being used incorrectly in the woods. Silly boy. He is out for at least the next week of stories.

Get well soon son.

Yeah so Cape Town really is getting the weather at the moment. I just watched The Inside Man and did not concentrate at all and now have no clue what the movie was about. Now I'm browsing the internet and wondering who I am.

Oh check out my other blog in the links for something on The Springbok Nude Girls if you have not read it already. It will change your life.

I love all of you

New link

2007-05-19T09:37:00.000+02:00

I added a new link to Adii, a web designer who does a lot of Wordpress work and I find his site quite interesting. It's actually quite intelligent work on there, so if you are tired of reading the muck that I write, click the link and check it out.

Was I born in a gutter?

2007-05-16T18:37:00.000+02:00

I was just looking over some of the ludicrous language I used in the last few posts on the other blog. It's gutter language! Did my parents raise me in a barn, I hear you ask? Did they raise me in a gutter? Because fuck the language is terrible. I often find this is what I do when I write. I just swear. I don't know why. Deep down I think I am insecure. Deep down I'm that kid sitting in the library, by himself, enjoying himself. Enjoying his own company, because he is happy in his own mind. Sometimes I think the swearing will make me a cool kid. I don't know what my parents would think of this language. I must be honest maybe I got the habit from my parents. I don't recall them ever swearing though. I never hear them swear. It's quite odd really. Maybe I did not pick it up from them then.

I must have picked it up from my semi-delinquent friends. Maybe it's the language picked up from long hours spent bronzing my sculpted rock solid Greek God body in the sun at the Church yard, eating cucumber and crack sandwiches and smoking crystal meth. I think that is the reason.

But I would not trade that language for anything.

For that would mean the end of those great days spent in the Church yard, getting high, feeling the nice grainy texture of crack cocaine on my palette...the smell of fresh tik...the daisies growing in the yard...the crack whores coming to steal our drugs...the smell of success.

No, I would not trade that feeling for the world.

Vinny Lingham is a modern day rock star

2007-05-15T11:15:00.000+02:00

Please go to THIS LINK and then scroll down to a comment left by Vinny Lingham. Vinny you are my hero. Who are you sleeping with, Paris Hilton? Because that's how cool I think you are.

Vinny feels it necessary to tell us that he guesses that the Sunday Times does not make enough money to cough up $250k a year for him. Vinny you are THE SHIT! You are so rich and powerful that The Sunday Times cannot afford you. That makes you the envy of people worldwide! Fuck you are arrogant, but not in a joking way. You are arrogant because you actually think we care what you earn. Donald Trump earns billions, he has a right to be arrogant. He earns so much money that he makes arrogant being cool. You on the other hand only charge about $250k a year. That is fuck all compared to the big dogs in the world.

Fuck Vinny, if you are going to earn such a shit salary a year, then still brag about it, you better look like Brad Pitt or David Beckham. But once again, there you fall short. Brad and David could earn what you earn and be allowed to be arrogant, because they look good, and good looking people can get away with that.

Let's all bow down to Vinny, he really is such a marvellous fellow.

I was there...moments before it crashed

2007-05-14T19:41:00.000+02:00

For the write up on the day...read HERE. I'm really starting to get fucked off with this blog not working. Fuck me sideways.

Also I found this picture of Condoleeza Rice(Brown rice). Sweetheart, you are underestimating me. Remember Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights? That's more like it my Gap spokesperson.

Deep Dish at Workshop 17

2007-05-14T09:13:00.000+02:00

I also forgot to say on my OTHER BLOG(Where the Deep Dish write up is) that I saw Top Billing presenter Jeannie D there with some dude hanging onto her while she did not look that interested. She just kept typing a message on her phone. So maybe there is still a chance with her and me...Please do take note of my girl in the gold hot pants. Fantastic sweetheart.

I'm sure I will put more photos up as the week sidles on...

Weekend shenanigans

2007-05-12T12:51:00.000+02:00

"I'm going to pistol whip the next person who says Shenanigans!"

"Hey Farva what's that place you like with all the goofy shit on the wall?"

"You mean Shenanigans?"

Ohhhhhh...hands over the pistol.

That was random. Super Troopers fans will know. For our weekend shenanigans click SHENANIGANS

Feel close to Tony Blair

2007-05-10T14:02:00.000+02:00

For a Tony Blair piece, click TONY BLAIR!

Simple

Sean's traffic rules_ Case Study 2

2007-05-10T09:22:00.000+02:00

I think the rules for driving are quite simple. Don't be an idiot.

What we see here is car Number 1 wanting to make a right turn, across two lanes of heavy traffic. You can do this right turn on small roads, but not on a busy road at peak hour. Trying to do this at 5pm on Belvedere Road is going to make car Number 2(Me) flip. I don't care that you have until 6pm to get home. I don't. Plus the hour that I wait behind you while you try to make your turn wastes my petrol and contributes to global warming.

Honestly, what are you thinking trying to make such a turn? Inevitably, as soon as one lane of traffic stops the other starts again. In this situation you cannot win. And neither can I.

So turn left, fool.

This happens to me all the time, I get stuck behind a car trying to make this turn. I see it is going nowhere and as soon as I try to reverse and get out of there, some other fool pulls up right behind me, getting me stuck in some sort of twilight zone that I will never get out of.

It's quite odd really that people are willing to wait twenty minutes to make these turns. Do you have nothing better to do?

Gosh

Queen has the last lag

2007-05-09T20:25:00.000+02:00

I thought after I posted a piece on George W's clever comment the other day, here is the follow up.

This from News24:

"Mr President, I wondered whether I should start this toast saying, 'When I was here in 1776',"

You go girl!

Here is the Full Story

George Bush kind of reminds me of the naught kid at school. You know, Billy the kid. Or Timmy. Or Tommy or Jimmy. Always very innocent, and not such a bad person, and actually not that naughty but rather mischievous. That's who George is. He is actually one of the funniest men on the planet. He is just awesome. I love watching him, that smirk on his face, his comments, his demeanour, it's legendary. And the whole time you actually never think that he is a President.

I think it's about time he hosts Saturday Night Live, perk the show up a little bit.

Shooter!

2007-05-09T08:14:00.000+02:00

I don't think this movie has had the best reviews, but damn I enjoyed it! I don't like to give away details, but you need to watch it if only for some of the awesome shots that Mark "Fuck I'm a hard man" Wahlberg takes.

There is also a scene at the farmhouse where Mark and his mate absolutely annihilate everything in sight. They take it to the cleaners.

I must be honest, I think Mark Wahlberg is underrated. He is so awesome. First we knew him as Marky Mark, then he did the Calvin Klein underwear campaign, and once you have done that you win. He then played Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, he played a rock star in Rock Star. Then he played Bobbie Mercer in Four Brothers where he also proceeded to fuck everyone in sight up. He is also an executive producer of Entourage and makes an appearance walking down the street in the first season.

Now he comes at us with Shooter. Crazy. He is actually one of the coolest actors around at the moment. And he is a big mother fucker. He has two guns which I'm guessing he has named "Lights" and "Out" Amazing. He gets properly beat in this film, but still kicks ass. We watched it at the Waterfront last night, then went for a drink at Quay Four and then went to Alba. Which is seemingly a gay bar. I never knew that. I was just waiting for some dude to walk up to me and be like "So how much you weigh?" Then I reply, "Why, you think you can pick me up?" Realising my monumental fuck up, I run out, leaving my cold brewski next to some dudes "Sex on the beach" cocktail. Crazy.

George Bush is off his face

2007-05-08T08:09:00.000+02:00

You might not have seen this yet, but I have. On Sky News. George Bush was giving a speech, with The Queen right next to him. The speech went something like this, and I have it on my phone but I will try find it on Youtube or Sky News.

Fuck this is too funny! Turn Sky News on now and you will find it!

He said " You helped our nation celebrate it's bi-centennial in seventeen...in nineteeen seventy six" He then looks at the Queen smiling while the gathered crowd laughs, and belts out this corker

"She(Just casually referring to The Queen!) gave me a look that only a mother could give a child"

A look that only a mother could give a child!

NO. FUCKING. WAYS.

I could not believe it either! It's TOO funny!

George Bush is completely off his tit's. Fuck he's cool.

Ok my computer is not working but go HERE and then you will see the video on the top right of the screen. Show everyone. Laugh

Bone

2007-05-07T12:09:00.000+02:00

Please enjoy the size of the bone the Rottweiller is currently gnawing on. I'm starting to worry that it might be a human bone though. Something like a femur. Come to think of it I have not seen John the neighbour in a few weeks. Odd

Son of a bitch

Who is Patrick anyway?

2007-05-07T12:01:00.000+02:00

Myself and BMP were kicking it around Rondebosch School(Ahhh...good memories) on Saturday to watch our team partake in a spot of rugby.

In between marvelling and wondering why the school girls were not so skanky in our day, we noticed a poor, poor advertisment.

I have always been a Nike person, it's just my choice. Lately CapeStorm also seem to be kitting my mountain bike rides out. But I have never owned anything from Patrick.

And now I see why. Their ad at the rugby simply said "Two stripes are enough" Are you fucking joking? This is obviously referring to the three stripes of David Beckhams preferred brand, Adidas. It is so poor! They are basically saying they have given up on trying to be a good brand, and are happy with last place. It's like "Our boots are good enough. They are not the best. They won't get you to the end of a game in comfort, they don't have any special features, but they are ok. They will just let you finish a game"

This is shocking. When your brand is doing so badly, is it not time to close the company down? Does anyone actually still remember Patrick, or where you could buy their shit?

Too bizarre.

Over here

2007-05-06T12:42:00.000+02:00

Please click HERE for new stuff

Paris Hilton: Slag

2007-05-06T11:42:00.000+02:00

By know we all know that Parys is going to jail. Sexy. Anyway, that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing about the fact that little Miss Princess whore lies so much!

I can't remember where I read this shit, but I did.

Paris has said before that she does not really drink as she does not like the taste of alcohol. This fails to explain the many times we have seen her fucked out of her bracket, and driving. I'm guessing her latest sentence about her driving while her licence was suspended had something to do with drinking. I don't know the truth but her licence was probably suspended for drink driving. First lie.

Secondly, she has said before in an interview, I think it could have been with Piers Morgan(Legend at interviewing- A God walking amongst mere mortals when it comes to asking killer questions) that she does not really like sex that much, or she does not really have sex that much, something along those lines. That fails to explain why we see videos of her fucking like a racehorse, and every time we see her she is boning someone else.

And this is someone people are fascinated by! I personally don't see the fascination. It was cool seeing her video, we had a laugh, we marveled, but now I'm asking the question: What the FUCK does Paris Hilton actually do? Why do we like her?(Some of us) She is a shit actress, a poor singer, she lies all the time, and I'm quite over her looks. She is actually quite useless! Other than for sex and some good times. You could also possibly score some reefer from her when no one else can get the stuff.

I hope she gets put in jail with the biggest diesel dyke mechanic this planet has ever seen.

Asian Wolf

2007-05-03T17:43:00.000+02:00

No, not some cheap porn site but rather a kick ass alarm system! You have never seen a bad boy like this before. Or maybe you have.

I was kicking it at Sounds Dynamic in Rondebosch today, getting the VR3's CD player fitted after not having it working for a while. Then I saw an advert for this Asian Wolf on their wall.

"Mother of God" is what you might say when hearing what it does.

Check the Asian Wolf

Traffic rules

2007-05-03T12:54:00.000+02:00

For the writing that accompanies this picture click HERE

Please take note of the picture, in order to understand the intricate article

Cocaines a hell of a drug

2007-05-01T16:17:00.000+02:00

For a cocaine article, click COCAINE

Sexy times

Topher Grace delivers todays pearler

2007-05-01T09:35:00.000+02:00

I was just watching E! Entertainment and Topher Grace was being interviewed for Spider Man 3, for which he had to gain 20 pounds. So he obviously was punishing the gym little bit. But the classic line comes in when he told us what some guy at the gym said to him. This dude walks up and says:

"You know of a good vet?"

So Topher is like "What?"

He says "You know of a good vet" Then points to his guns and says:

"Cos these puppies are sick!"

Sean needs a quiet moment to himself

HA!

HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

WHOOOOOOOOOO!

HAVE YOU EVER?!

Have you ever heard anything funnier?! I haven't!

Imagine you go up to a chick and say that, confidently. I have no doubt you will win.

The great thing is, it's so cheesy, so arrogant,so...I don't know, crazy, that she will probably think you are joking and will enjoy it because you have a sense of humour. In fact I think it will work better if you have small arms, because then she will know that you are quite a funny guy.

But the thing is, even though you have small arms, in your mind you think she is laughing because she is amazed that you have such sick puppies.

It's the beauty of being a guy. If we think it, we believe it. We all believe we are living the dream.

As a guy, you can be overweight, smell of booze and cigarettes, have no cash, and yet wake up in the morning and go "FUCK! It's good to be me!"

You can also walk down the street like this and feel like a million bucks. And in your mind you can still get the girl in that fetching red dress who just walked past you.

As guys, we believe the lie.

And damn, it feels good!

Two tickets to the gun show

2007-05-01T09:08:00.000+02:00

Don't ask me where I found this...but I did. This is an old photo of Da Governator! And on his right, Sly! Sylvester Stallone, good memories.

Please take note of the size of Arnies gun. I mean...that is a fucking solid gun workout he is doing there to get those bad boys.

"Two tickets to the gun show left"

Arnie must have totally abused the situation of having such big guns.

"Come on baby, come back to Arnies Palace, I flex my muscle for you. I flex, you blow, I flex, you blow. HA HA HA! We have good sexy time" (Note: This must all be done in Arnies accent for maximum effect)

I'm quite speechless.

I'm not really too perturbed by the situation, because right now I'm looking like Brad Pitt from Fight Club so I can't really complain about my body

Hey there

2007-04-29T11:14:00.000+02:00

For this, go HERE

Tally-ho

Whatever the FUCK happened to...

2007-04-26T18:42:00.000+02:00

As we come to the end of this blog(For real, we need to stop sometime for new things) we will finish off with some things I think need finishing off. Like...GOOSE! Can you believe this is Goose from Top Gun? Neither can I? When I decided to google "Anthony Edwards" I honestly thought he might have died. Because how he never became fuck off famous is a mystery.

As Goose in Top Gun, he was legendary. Singing "You've lost that loving feeling" in Top Gun guaranteed him women for an eternity! Not to mention the Ray Ban Aviators, Madiba shirt and his 'tache. Man, good memories.

It might also blow your mind that in 1998 he won a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV series for ER. I never knew that. And neither did you!

For loads more information on this prodigy, enigma or whatever you will, clickity click HERE

Awesome

Top Gun!

2007-04-25T09:37:00.000+02:00

For this Top Gun post you will have to go to my other blog, in the links section. The reason I do this is that sometimes I write posts in Blogger and they won't post. I can't then save them in my Word program and re post them as blogger wont allow this. So I post them in "My other blog"

Genius

Brilliant

Do it

Our artillery receives a boost

2007-04-21T19:29:00.000+02:00

As some of you may know I always carry around two sets of keys, a notebook, pencil, digital camera, iPod(Old school one), wallet, phone and sunglasses. This is the stuff I ALWAYS have one me, you never know when you need a camera. I need mine all the time to document my life for my "E! True Hollywood Story" And now I carry a Swiss Army knife it seems.

You see, this morning,after not going out last night and mingling with birds and smoking cigars that are no doubt not paid for, I felt empty inside. So I got in the car, went to Cape Union Mart and bought myself a Swiss Army knife for no apparent reason. I have no idea what to do with it now.

It really is odd that I would do such a thing.

Well I guess it will come in handy soon, and then I will tell you. Until then I'm wondering why I bought it.

Just your standard "Sex Fest"

2007-04-21T19:20:00.000+02:00

Some of the more avid readers will have read another time about the club "@mospheer" having a "Bitch Fight" earlier in the year. Old boring feminists(Oh fok nou's ek in die kak!) wrote in to The Tatler saying that was atrocious and so on and so forth.

Because I am always on top of all the best parties in town I found this for you. A Sex Fest. Just another clean party where we can all sip hot chocolate and have a pillow fight.

Oh, and don't forget on Thursday 26 April Kelvin Grove are having their "Under 30's" party. There is now R50 entrance fee but I hear it gives us "extra special treatment" That's a lie, but it will be cool. Get there for about 8pm, I'm camping there on my usual recliner round the pool from about 11am.

But how about this kids!

A good old fashioned lingerie show and "Sex Fest" I saw this on that road, I can't remember what it's called, near Kelvin.

I unfortunately must miss this party as @mospheer sounds like a place where heavy artillery come standard and I frankly, well, "I choose life" I don't know where @mospheer is and I have no intention finding out. I don't like guns 'n drugs either.

Catch you out on the town.

Can you believe this?

2007-04-20T19:21:00.000+02:00

Man, I love stories like this, because they are so strange! I have always loved real life ghost stories, but my favourite ones are these stories where ships are found, with everything in order, but no one on board. It fascinates me so much it's quite bizarre.

And so I have been treated to a story like this today.

A yacht was found drifting off the Great Barrier Reef, with the engine running, a laptop turned on and the radio and GPS still working. And, to freak you out more, there was food on the table.

The only damage was a shredded main sail.

Shit, I would have been so excited it would have been crazy.

Imagine you are a rescuer and you board this yacht, and no one is on it but it's as if they were a few moments ago. Like you are living a modern day mystery! I don't know why these things excite me so much, but it's crazy. It's just so mad to think that three people disappeared.

Check the photos and a video HERE on Sky

Check it, check it, let's all check it!

2007-04-19T18:15:00.000+02:00

Check THIS post out bitches. NICE!

Woolworths Fruit Salad

2007-04-18T18:16:00.000+02:00

I quite enjoyed this Fruit Salad that I just bought at Woolworths.

So through my intricate thought pattern, I created a story out of nothing. Amazing.

Kid comes home

"Mom, my ADHD is off the fucking hook!" (Insert: For Delft kids: "Mummie, my ADHD is mos in it's p%@s in!")

"Why sweetpea, too many sweeties?"

"No mom the psycholologist head person said I must eat more fruit to balance my blood sugar levels to even out my concentration. I ate four today and now I'm tripping balls and flipping my tit's into a sugary coma"

"Did the naughty teachers sprinkle crack rocks onto your salad honey?"

"No ma, Woolworths sold me this KAK fruit salad!" (Pulls out wrapper)

"Woolworths you MOTHER FUCKERS! Now I have to watch Johnny all night while my husband has now wasted another 2 Viagra's!"

That's the article really. Not too much to say on it. Don't think about it too much. My brain works differently to others. Or it's the combination of reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and consuming a few fruit salads. Or just a great writer.

That's good times folks...

Well done, boys

2007-04-18T18:14:00.000+02:00

I must congratulate Smithers and the lads for absolutely punishing KP and the tykes yesterday. So well done. And here I doubted them with their boozing ways, what was I thinking! It's as if they knew my thoughts and wanted to prove me wrong!

Devils...

But it was a fuckshow of runs, wickets, and myself tripping out on a fruit salad, article to follow.

Now go get smashed boys.

Smith, you beauty!

2007-04-17T10:51:00.000+02:00

You may know I have a mild fascination with Graeme Smith and his ability to booze and eat pies, and yet still be captain of the SA cricket side. You might enjoy this article on the Proteas getting all fucked up. I certainly did.

You might enjoy this quote from him quickly:

"I don't know what it is like to be seriously under the influence of liquor, so I can't say whether some of the players were seriously under the influence"

God, you're a comedian! You don't know what it's like to be really drunk? Must have forgotten the time you injured your ankle while "running" then?

That's good times.

Enjoy the Caribbean, it looks spectacular.

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum...

Who are SL trying to be?

2007-04-14T13:11:00.000+02:00

I have only ever bought Student Life once before, and that is the June 2006 issue. It is obviously aimed at students but the language goes over the top in the stereotyping way and gets embarrassing, which is probably the reason that I don't know anyone who reads the magazine. Students might seem dumb, but they actually have a fair amount of intelligence, believe it or not. And the language SL uses, caters towards the students who are so fucking stupid that I doubt they can read, negating the need for the magazine(Ok...I'm taking a harsh line here, but this magazine is mad)

In the letters section they say "You clever low-slung-jean-wearing irony-mullet-sporting guys have been sending in some cover mash up's that we schmaaked quite a bit"

Are they trying to mindfuck me right here? Who actually uses the word "schmaak"? Are they serious? Because this is not funny, it's quite embarrassing. The scary thing is the writers and editors are probably in their late 20's, and they are using words that they think students use. If a student used these words, I doubt he would be a student. I think this person would be a "drop out"

Highly embarrassing SL.

Another headline for something is "Ja lank"

Ja, like, lank bru, fuck off with your kak language SL.

Then they have a column type thing saying whats cool and what's not cool. In the not cool, or "down" as they call it, they put in the word "hectic"

Yeah, so hectic is out, but lank is in? Alrighteeeeeeee then...

I looked through the mag, and it's not too bad, but I don't think I would spend R19 on it again. In fact I won't. Not that it matters, just thought I'd let you know. Just throwing it out there. Use it. Lose it. Kick sand in my face when next you see me on Llandudno.

Now go buy GQ.

The man himself

2007-04-13T19:41:00.000+02:00

I always talk about going to Tiger Tiger but you probably don't believe me. Anyway, this is a photo of me in my purest, most natural habitat. Clearly I am ice cool as usual, while Leandra(Don't worry Leandra I won't mention your name) is dumbstruck by my presence. Like I give off some magnetic resonance. So yeah, a little glimpse into my nighttime persona. Shit, it get's crazy at that place. Hopefully I don't get bothered by too many random fans tonight, I wouldn't mind chatting to my mates for a change.

I was looking away in the photo because I thought I saw William H Macy. No jokes though, I went for a run yesterday with BMP and we saw William H Macy walking along the road near Camps Bay. Truly strange. He was just kicking it by himself in some old school clothes. Probably going to score a joint. Well that's what I would do if I was him. He is in town filming some or other movie. He has left the wife at home I guess so no doubt he will be smashing it up at Hemisphere tonight. Or the Planet Bar.

Cool by the pool peeople, see you on Monday(By see I don't really mean I will see you)

I will "write you" on Monday.

Or maybe tomorrow.

Later champions

A Friday treat

2007-04-13T19:33:00.000+02:00

I only know it's Friday because the smell of cheap booze permeates the air.

Anyway, before I leave to get locked in the Tiger cage at about 9pm, I must let you in on this beauty I found in my fridge. It's Enterprise Shaved Smoked Chicken.

Fair enough.

But then take a gander at the label and notice what it tells you. Here is some information:

Gluten Free
Suitable for lactose intolerant people.
No tartrazine, sulphur dioxide and benzoic acid.
No added M.S.G

Good Lord. Now to the uneducated gluten is found in things such as barley, wheat and rye. Obviously lactose is from milk products. So to mention that these are not present in a MEAT product is disturbing. What the fuck would they be doing in meat? And this no doubt means that some brands of smoked chicken do contain these ingredients! Mind bending! Lactose in meat, I can't comprehend this.

Anyway, it's no wonder with shit like benzoic acid(Sounds trippy) in things we eat, that we get weird diseases.

Crazy times kids, crazy times.

Don't eat this processed shit, it messes you up.

Leo shags a Bar

2007-04-13T17:31:00.000+02:00

That's right, I read somewhere, but don't take it as the truth, that Bar Rafaeli is pregnant with some "King of the World's" son. Amazing. To think, had I been 19, or however old Leo was in Titanic, I would have got the role as Jack. I would have painted Rose naked. I would have hooked Gisele. I would have a little runt running around whose mother is Bar Rafaeli and whose father is KING OF THE WORLD! But now I'm nothing(Currently, not for long) I mean, people recognise me, but I don't exactly have Leo's paycheck or Leo's girlfriend. It's all very heartbreaking. Oh well, I'm going to have to go touch naughty girls at Tiger tonight to console myself.

And Kate Moss is engaged. Further proof that the world is not the place it used to be when people were tripping on acid in the 70's. Ahhhh...good times.

UPDATE: I just read on The Superficial that the pregnancy story is a lie. But it's a good story so I'm sticking to it. I didn't write it for nothing you know.

Bushisms

2007-04-10T12:45:00.000+02:00

You know, I have never ever seen a comedian as funny as George Bush. He is honestly too funny! I came across a website today and with classic quotes like this you have to take a look!

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream"

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family"

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning"

"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die"

How the FUCK did this guy become president? I supposed that it helps when George H.W is your old man, but anyway.

Classic stuff.

Check it HERE

Your job still so bad?

2007-04-09T14:01:00.000+02:00

I came across this pearler in GQ, March/April 2005, about the worst jobs ever. Check it.

Hermit:

Today we buy a rim flow pool to make the neighbours envious, but from 1740 to 1830, landowners hired eccentrics, mental defectives, poets and the financially desperate to wander their estates for years, like breathing garden gnomes.

How cool is that? I think it's awesome to have that, I'm not quite sure why it all stopped! I suppose it's a similiar thing to the Thai cabana boy I keep out in summer to fan me with a banana leaf so I don't get too hot around the pool. He works quite well for one potatoe a day. Which he has to grow.

Jizz mopper:

Yeah. Won't really go into this one, I think you get the whole shindig.

Fuller:

Before the wonders of technology stepped in, someone had to clean wool after it had been woven: the fuller. After collecting gallons of urine from farms and private houses, fullers would pour the stale urea into a barrell, add the wool, then hop in and stomp out the grease.

That is exactly why I buy GQ, for gems like these. You can actually buy the book "The worst jobs in history" by Tony Robinson. Another similiar book is "The worst blow jobs in history" by Paris Hilton. Well not exactly, but yeah...crazy weather we having. Yes, indeed, crazy weather.

New stuff

2007-04-09T08:49:00.000+02:00

Change is not bad so I changed the design here and also added a cool new feature on the right hand side. It's just got updated news on the topics I have chosen, so click on either "Apple" or "Cape Town" or the others and it will give you links to news articles on these things. Pretty schweet I think.

I can't believe I forgot it was easter yesterday when I woke up. I was wondering why everyone was doing stuff and being all busy.

I'm such an idiot.

Gosh.

The planets are changing

2007-04-08T08:14:00.000+02:00

Can you handle that in one day the stormers won a game and South Africa lost to Bangladesh. I will now add that I watched neither of these games as I was trying to educate myself in this whole "Wordpress" shindig. For a little Two Oceans report, check it HERE

Yeah other than that I have fuck all to say. Enjoy the Sunday.

What happened at Tiger on Thursday?

2007-04-07T17:18:00.000+02:00

Thursday was quite an enjoyable night with Charlie, Dustin, and Dustin's fucking huge cigar that he said he bought but we think he stole from work.

Anyway, after getting home at 2:30am I decided that nothing would do but an oven roasted potatoe maybe with some spring onion and cheese.

So I threw the potatoe in at about 2:40 on 220 degrees and went and sat on the couch and threw the Borat DVD in to watch while my food cooked ever so slowly.

Next thing I knew it was 6:30am and my potatoes were in their chops. The TV was still on with Borat playing continuously and I was shocked that I had forgotten the oven on, no doubt wasting Eskom's very precious energy and a large amount of fossil fuel, contributing to the current gap in the ozone.

Well done Sean

Roma vs Manchester United

2007-04-05T12:27:00.000+02:00

I have always thought of soccer fan's as drunken and rowdy and generally degenerate. Obviously I can't say this because lot's of my friends watch and play soccer and they are alright(Most of the time) Whenever we see crowds causing chaos, overseas or in SA, it's from soccer games. Cricket is my preferred live viewing sport, and it's always chilled at Newlands.

But watching scenes from last nights game on DSTV channel 24 now, those guys were getting fucked up. Granted, the crowds do cause shit, but the police just came in in riot gear and started fucking up anyone in sight. I saw some old guy being shielded by a younger guy, maybe father and son, and I was like "These cops are fucked" What threat does some old guy pose that you need to hit him with a baton? It seems these cops are just frustrated that they have a kak job, and like the movie Jarhead, they never get to hit anyone. Eventually the rage grows and they just klap anyone in sight at the slightest bit of unrest. In Jarhead the guys never got to shoot anyone and this pissed them off. Clearly the coppers need to just hit people from time to time.

I think they should have a weekly session where they fuck people up, but people that we don't need. Week one could be "Moer Bob Mugabe" Week two could be followed with a nice session of "Skop, skiet en donner criminals like child rapists" I think this would go a long way to quell the anger.

I'm sure you will be able to catch some of the scenes on Sky News. Otherwise go HERE for a video of the action on the Sky News website.

We are alerted to a super phenomenon

2007-04-05T12:21:00.000+02:00

In my post below "The TBG eludes us not" I had a comment from Cape Town's favourite son, Shaun Oakes. In case you did not read the comment, here it is:

Actually Sean,

There is another slightly lesser-known but infinitely more powerful TBG operating in Cape Town.

In a recent study by scientists at UCT, it was concluded that if Barry (the Token Black Guy) and 2oceansvibe's Tall Blonde Guy ever ended up in the same place, the resulting mesh of super-energy would cause a black hole, throwing the Earth back into the 60's.

How fucking mad would that be? My parents won't even speak to me about the 60's. Everytime I ask my mom, she goes and washes the dishes(I don't know what the FUCK she was doing out the kitchen in the first place) When I ask my dad, he goes outside and repacks his pipe and smokes it until I leave. I wonder what happened in the 60's? Whatever it was, it's been kept a secret from me.

Let's see that the Token Black Guy and the Tall Blonde Guy meet, so that we can experience the decadence and excess of the 60's for ourselves.

Come on people, let's do this for me, for US!

Wikipedia

2007-04-05T10:08:00.000+02:00

I wrote an article a while back on Wikipedia and some people thought that I was stupid for saying that Wikipedia is stupid. I must admit, I have been looking at Wikipedia for information. The other day I was searching for information on Johnny Cash and I read up about him on Wikipedia.

But I still wonder everytime I read something, whether it really is true. I still would not quote things from Wikipedia, other than to sound really intelligent and in knowing for sure that the people I am talking to don't know the real truth anyway.

So I was reading through the April 2, 2007 TIME magazine and came across "10 questions with Jimmy Wales", co-founder of Wikipedia. Some interesting questions were posed and some interesting answers were given.

For my original article on Wikipedia, click HERE

For 10 questions with Jimmy Wales, click HERE

Okay then

2007-04-04T16:22:00.000+02:00

What I'm going to propose here is that you keep a check on both of my blogs. When this one does not work, you can chuck on over to my other one HERE. But yeah, just keep looking at both as we chop and change.

Booze complaint

2007-04-03T16:11:00.000+02:00

I fear that my booze complaint on the other blog was so well worded we all need to take another look. Do it over HERE

The TBG eludes us not

2007-04-03T14:32:00.000+02:00

As I attempt to write my sentence backwards in the hope that people think I am more intelligent than I am.

If you don't know anything about Cape Town's TBG then learn HERE or please leave. The TBG is like an institution made famous by 2oceansvibe.

Anyway, I took this photo on the 8th March this year current on Llandudno. I would have sent it to Seth, but it's obviously not of his face but you need to believe me here. You can clearly see though that it is the TBG. My friends Alain, Baz and Damian had no idea who he was and could not see why I was so excited when I saw him. They are now what we refer to as "dead".

But seriously, when he walked past, he turned to look around at the beach with that usual grin on his face as if to say "Fuck yeah, fucking right doggy, you KNOW I'm the TBG bitch!" He seriously has such an air of cool around him that he would easily put Maverick in Top Gun to shame.

The 8th March truly was a special day.

The world was once again graced by the presence of the TBG

Four Brothers

2007-04-03T13:34:00.000+02:00

I watched Four Brothers on M-Net last month about five times, because it was so good. Basically, four adopted kids mother is shot and they seek revenge on the killer, fucking up a lot of people in the process. A classic line comes from Mark Wahlberg. They are chasing some guy, and eventually after this guy let's his dogs out on him(Two big dogs- Rottweillers I think- living in a flat-highly odd) they catch him trying to climb out his window by a rope. Mark gets a cleaver and cuts the rope,sending this guy onto the icy snow below. He has a broken bone coming out of his leg. Someone says something like "Shit you think he's dead?" To which Mark replies "He's not dead, he's just fucked up!"

Absolutely brilliant.

Check that photo out, four dudes just cruising through a parking lot, leather jackets, jeans, boots, snow-hardest fuckers on the planet.

Watch it.

Photo from the market

2007-04-03T13:29:00.000+02:00

If you were on my other BLOG, you would have read about the market. Here is one of the photos, of Mike flexing his gun while the uber babe bread lady and some hippie tree hugger look on...

My first true love

2007-04-03T13:18:00.000+02:00

Yes, I do love Woolworths

Even more so now that they are opening a 24 hour Woolworths in Claremont, at the Engen, right opposite Sobhar, brilliant!

I have no doubt that they are going to fucking clean up. And I am going to lose less friends to food poisoning from dodgy garage pies as well. Last count, five were dead "by the pie".

But this is genius by Woolworths. Turnover at this store is going to be bordering on money rape, that's how much money they will make. I guarantee it. The owner may as well retire now, he has won. I won't even go into the number of dirty birds that are going to visit this Woolworths in their drunken, pot hazed states. I think Engen might just become the new party spot. Woolworths near Gardens cleans up every day, they always win. And now it's Claremonts turn.

What better place to have a 24 hour food store than on the Boulevard of broken dreams? I'm excited already. Now if they could only open tonight for after Tiger Tiger it would be great.

The Holiday

2007-04-03T13:08:00.000+02:00

Seeing as though I am on holiday now, and most of the year, I thought I would hire The Holiday. With a cast including Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Kate Winslet I thought i could not go wrong. And I didn't. However if I had listened to what the reviews had said, I would never have seen this film as they all gave it a bad review. Fuck them.

The story follows Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet swopping houses for two weeks to get away from their normal lives. They move, Cameron meets Jude, Jack meets Kate and it's all love and stuff.

As you can expect.

But I was quite impressed with Jack Black, who played a rather calm guy who produces music for movies. He was rather good. I'm no movie reviewer and I don't want to go all "Barry Ronge" on you and look at the fucking planetary alignment tonight to tell you if the movie is good, but I will let you know that it is good.

Hell it's got Cameron Diaz.

And Jude Law is ever so smooth, the player. I know not many people like him, but I do. Mind you, I think David Beckham and J.T are cool, so anyway...

Come on people!

2007-03-27T21:37:00.000+02:00

Come check out the party at my new blog site, right over HERE. It's that easy! Can I make it easier for you to laugh? I don't think I can! The new blog has only been running for about four hours and already the e-mails are streaming in, praising my way with words! It's like the M-Net show Laugh Out Loud, only it's funny.

I have already posted what I like to call some "booster" articles, to get you into the vibe, to make the first 20 minutes of your Wednesday a little more exciting, and to have you thinking "Would the world still exist without this stupid writing?" I don't think it would. Hurry hurry hurry!

Time is running out and articles are coming at a rapid pace...

Chopper!

2007-03-20T17:18:00.000+02:00

Firstly, how is the complete fuckfest between Joblog, 20ceansvibe and everyone? It's madness and is getting me quite aroused. That's a blatant lie.

Anyway, I thought I had it tough...fuck me these guys are being utterly annihilated out there. Sexy times guys...sexy times...now let's not lose our pants just yet.

Anyway, I was just eating tuna on rice cakes, as most body builders like myself and Shameen Adams do. Seriously, if you want to see Shameen in action, he works out at Claremont Virgin Active and owns the supplement store right next to the bank. He has actually had the honour of having a gun workout with me before and ever since then he won't stop harassing me for training programs and shit like that. Not to mention rice cakes and tuna when he runs out.

Off the topic. But as I was eating my protein, I thought back to my post on Heather Mills McCartney and how she needs to harden the fuck up. So I found out about the real Chopper whose name is Mark Read. He actually had his ears cut off in prison so he could get a transfer. Finally, a man harder than me. And Colin Moss. That's a joke. Colin is not hard at all.

But the cool thing is, the thing that has had me aroused(A blatant lie again) all day is the fact that the movie Chopper is coming on on Thursday night on E-tv at about 10pm. So you can basically get your rocks off watching Chopper(With Eric Bana starring) and then completely flip your tits trying to spot the invisible man in the cheap porno that they will probably show afterwards. Or is that only on Saturday nights? I forget. Fuck I'm too busy these days. Ok I'm getting ready for Tiger Tiger tonight where some very naughty(And no doubt very young) girls are in big trouble.

Take the blog wars easy boys.

Read these

2007-03-20T09:14:00.000+02:00

Sorry, my computer is a complete fuckshow at the moment, it only does not work on Blogger. Odd. Managed to put this through on another computer, will try get my stone age laptop working by next week...hopwfully.

If you are only interested in doing your own thing in life, then these are two books that you must read. Because I did, and I can confirm, they were good.

The first is Richard Bransons Autobiography, Losing My Virginity. It tells the full story of his life, from starting Student magazine to Virgin Records and his airline. It's truly brilliant the way that he thinks. He is not really afraid to try anything and will do most things. I read it about two years ago, but the updated version is now available.

The second is his short book, Screw It, Let's Do it: Lessons In Life
This book is great, and you will probably read it in about an hour or so. It's not really about business as so many other books claim to be, but it's rather about a mindset. As it say's on the back cover: People will always try and talk you out of ideas and say: 'It can't be done,' but if you have faith in yourself you'll find you can achieve almost anything.

I have read other books such as Robert Kiyosakis "Rich dad poor dad" and his "Retire young retire rich" Did I really think I was going to retire young and retire rich on a book that cost R80? No, but I thought maybe I could learn something new. I think it is clear that our boy Robert is probably making more money from his books than he did in his previous career. If you look at all the people who have read Rich dad poor dad, you may notice that not many of them are making any more money than they originally were, and are probably still doing the same job, while the book collects dust. One book of mine that does not collect dust it Screw It, Let's Do It, because I always pick it up to read, even though I have already read it a few times.

It's just brilliant, and is probably better if you are not really the studying type, but the ideas type of person. Some people enjoy college, the office all day, and the boss. Some don't. For the latter, Richard Branson is your man.

I find Robert Kiyosakis books too vague, and not really that inspiring. You just learn how HE made money, what HE did,and it all gets a bit complicated at times. For example, when things get complicated, he says you should see a financial advisor. Fuck off, I bought your book, I want YOU to explain it to me tool.

Besides, many of his dealings were lucky. He may buy empty apartment blocks without having any money, but in reality today, this is not possible. You can't even buy a house for R1,5 million without the bank wanting to know everything about you and your job and your salary. His ideas are good on paper, but shit in real life.

As I say, Bransons books are about a different mindset, and he believes in even the smallest ideas. He also never finished school, and everything he had built up is through seeing things that others couldn't. Something college can never teach you.

Break a leg Heather

2007-03-12T19:02:00.000+02:00

This may sound really mean, but I read it somewhere else.

You HAVE to follow THIS link, and read the article on Heather Mills in the upcoming dancing with the stars. You can actually bet on whether her leg will fall off. Hey, I never said it! Shit, that's mean.

But the saying "break a leg" was from some New Zealand or Australian site I was on last week and it was the caption for a photo. They could have said good luck, but it was such an easy cheap shot they just took it and ran with it.

Another headline on the above link is "Heather gets a leg up on the competition.

Too mean.

Too funny.

Someone is going to die young for saying these things.

Not my first choice, but possibly my last

2007-03-12T11:17:00.000+02:00

I have always wondered about all these surveys that get done. Every month in Men's Health(Which by the way, I don't buy. You've seen the one you've seen 'em all. "Get ripped, fast" "Eat more, weigh less" "Better sex" "78 nutrition tips" Bullshit)

Anyway, I got the January issue free with my Argus registration pack and I knew the back page thing was a lie when I read this beauty:

Hollywood hottie that men would most enjoy filming a sex scene with: Salma Hayek

It's more like Salma Heck "Where the fuck did that crawl out of"

A quick look on Egotastic brought an image to my eyes that was not easy to look at on a post Argus Monday. As if the sun and wind did not punish my eyes enough yesterday.

Shit girl, you look horrendous!

Personally, for a sex scene I would have to go with someone like Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway, or, by the beard of Zeus, Antonella Barba, an American Idol contestant. Yes, that really is her in the photo below and if we keep our fingers crossed there are talks of her appearing in Playboy.

Very nice indeed.

Nice, Vodacom

2007-03-12T08:43:00.000+02:00

Just as I was about to start going on about how fucking expensive a Vodacom 3G card contract is, they harden the fuck up and reduce their rates. If you, like me, use a 3G card you should be quite happy from the 1st of April. Because if you are a contract subscriber, the price automatically reduces for you, and not only for new subscribers. Even better, are the prices. My 3G card is really quick on the internet and so it's kind of a better deal than ADSL. Mind you, I don't know what ADSL costs but I know it's quite a lot. Now all we need is for Telkom to harden the fuck up, reduce their CEO's multi million rand salary, and we will all be happier.

New prices:

MY MEG 500: Was R350
Now: R249

MY GIG 1: Was R599
Now: R349

MY GIG 2: Was R1098
Now: R449

So well done Vodacom. Next is to offer us unlimited GIGS! That would be great. But we all know you are too shrewd for that. So are you Telkom, so are you.

NB: I do intend writing a piece on the Argus Cycle Tour yesterday, but I want nothing to do with cycling for a while now. Now I have to start training for the Two Oceans Half Marathon. Great.

I did a 4:38 time yesterday, not great, but about half way through the ride I was just wanting to finish in under 6 hours. I was so beat I could not really thing straight anymore.

It's Friday, I'm alone, where is that bird that eye fucked me two weeks ago at Sobhar?

2007-03-09T19:37:00.000+02:00

That's not true, but there were a couple of hotties there.

I was clearly a fucking silly boy when I entered this whole Argus Cycle Tour thing. I'm pretty fit from mountain biking but I don't have a road bike and so I decided right now, Friday night, to put my slick tyres on. Bit late, Bob. They have been sitting in the garage for about three years and are now hard and perishing, and I don't have tubes that fit. Add to this the fact that my largest gear does not work, and I feel I am about to be steam rolled by Vernon "The pain train" Davis from the San Francisco 49'ers. Or just Terry Tate, office fucking linebacker.

So being all respectable I turned down a ho down tonight, in favour of chilling at home. Bad idea. I slept on the couch the whole afternoon and now I'm awake, fucking bored, and ready to put the vibe out. I'm ready to go, with nowhere to go. Fuck.

Someone call me, invite me somewhere. Gisele? Heidi? Sienna? Jessica?

So anyway, I was thinking back to a gem of a conversation I had with the slacker crew yesterday on the beach(Where, by the way, I saw the TBG from 2oceansvibe. Mind boggling) where somehow someone brought up this old thing about Prince Charles. I think we were talking about munters and I mentioned that every time Charles and Horse Chestnut,err I mean Camilla, go to a function where there is a 21 gun salute, she gets nervous, bolts and jumps over a fence.

Then someone brought up the 1993 scandal where Charles said he wanted to be reincarnated as HER TAMPON! Somehow someone intercepted a phone call where he said this. And it's true.

Take a moment to vomit up all the food you have eaten today.

Mmmm carrots

To say my stomach has knotted up is an understatement. It's fucking turning like a lathe.

I would not even, for one moment, or for lots of money, consider kissing her. Not even a peck on the cheek. Because for that I will have to brush my finely chiseled cheekbones on her 'tache. She has a slight muzzie, you have to admit. Not quite a handlebar, but it's there. Now to be a tampon, inside of her, good fuck I'm ashamed this is on my page.

I doubt most people would even consider boning her with Mick Jaggers cock.

This article has turned into full scale, A-grade smut.

To find out more about this story, there are bits and pieces on the web. Type in things like "Prince Charles tampon scandal" into Google, and watch as food magically evacuates your stomach and spreads itself onto your nice shiny new Apple Macbook Pro.

Good night

And good luck

Hey, that could make for a very intriguing name for a movie. I'd probably put someone like...oh let's say...George Clooney in it? Sounds good to me.

UPDATE: Contrary to what I believe is popular belief, I have never had a wood for Camilla.

And I never will

Now stop accusing me

Perfect pairing

2007-03-08T09:50:00.001+02:00

You may all know that a little time back Heather "Harden the fuck up" Mills McCartney was dropped as a spokesperson for PETA(People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) I, being a highly qualified matchmaker, still think she would make a rocking spokesperson for the international brand GAP. Or locally, maybe we should start up a clothing store called "Passion GAP" and make her our spokesperson. We would make millions. The photo does not show her gap in all it's glory, but I know it is there. In most photos you see of her she is not smiling. I think she trawls the web removing photos of her smiling. Funny enough, if you type in "Heather Mills McCartney" into Google, all you get is references to her porn movie. Great legacy she is leaving behind.

I do realise this single post is sending me straight to hell

Straight from 2oceans

2007-03-08T08:59:00.000+02:00

I saw a Joblog post on a thing they had taken from Splattermail, but they mentioned they had, so it's all good. I just had to post this then, because it's a better view of 2oceansvibes's(Don't even ask how you say this, or if it is correct) Tuesday tab's post. Just take a look at 2oceansvibe and see the photo. Then look at this one, for one extra tit showing. Very nice indeed. I have had a mild fascination with the movie The Devil Wears Prada, due to Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt being very easy on the eye. Once again it shows that my judgement was good.

Heather Mills McCartney, HARDEN THE FUCK UP!

2007-03-08T08:46:00.001+02:00

Apparently Heather Mills McCartney is now demanding 10k a day. That's POUNDS. What the fuck do you need so much money for. Heather, here is message from me. You just need food and accomodation to live. I don't know what fucking face creams and holidays you want to buy, but you my girl, need to HARDEN THE FUCK UP. Because Chopper says so.

No heading. I don't know why

2007-03-07T07:43:00.000+02:00

I found a statistic HERE that says in 2006 2.9 million people died of AIDS.

Now I might sound like a complete wank, which I probably am, but imagine these people did not die of AIDS. Imagine 2.9 million extra people on the planet. Let say 2 million people die every year of AIDS as an example. Imagine then that every year, on top of the scary amount of people on the planet, there were an extra 2 million. Imagine no one in this world ever died, other than from old age. The world would be totally fucked. We can campaign as much as we like to cure every disease on the planet, but the day this happens is the day we are completely fucked. Seriously, we might as well shoot ourselves in the foot and then bleed to death. Because there is only so much this world can cope with.

Imagine having to feed an extra 2.9 million people every year. This means more farming, more fossil fuels used to farm, more pollution, more global warming.

The only thing that concerns me in this world is global warming. We can cure AIDS, find vaccines for cancer, but if the world fucks out none of this is going to help us. I don't believe looking for a cure for AIDS is ever going to work. It's something that is there to save the planet. I know this sounds mean, but it is true. The world can't sustain the pace at which we are going. At this rate, we are all going to be screwed.

I just think that we need to concentrate on global warming. Because we have an eternity to cure AIDS if we want to, we have an eternity to do lot's of things. But with global warming, we don't have an eternity. I don't know how long we have, but it's not long. Every day we fuck ourselves by the rate at which we are growing.

And that's why disease exists, because we can't control ourselves, so nature has to. Think of the plague and all these other things. They are natural. I'm not the president or anything, but something needs to be done, rather fast.

What a deep article.

Let's all go to the beach.

I'm intrigued

2007-03-07T07:38:00.000+02:00

Intriguing

I'm intrigued by many things and excited by others. I'm excited for my copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson to arrive. It's going to be sick. But other things that intrigue me are these things with lots of writing in them, one of which is called the Cape Argus.

Just a little story on how I bought my Cape Argus last night. I went through to the petrol station at about 10pm last night to buy a pack of Endearmints, those soft chewy ones that get me all happy in pants. While I was there I obviously thought it fit to stock up on “Gladiator” condoms, made by God knows who. Just in case my friends ex decides to knock on my door again at 3am. Crazy bitch.

So anyway, I buy all this shit and while I was on my way home, I got stuck behind an ADT car at the robots. Anyway, the robots went green and this ADT dude took off very slowly around the corner. Then he virtually came to a standstill and hooted. I thought he must be on an early evening Tik binge. Then he put his arm out the window and waved me past. I thought “Shit, what a nice man” So I put my foot down and shunted past him at a rate of knots. Then I flashed my hazard lights to say “Thanks buster” At this point I realised that I am a complete fuck up, because the guy was actually making such a fuss because I had not turned my lights on. Gosh. Idiot!

So I got home, ate half a pack of those mints, which is probably why I had such cotton mouth this morning, and then read the paper. Actually my friend Mike came round to drop off a birthday present and we had a good laugh about those “Bentley belts” that kids used to use to stay afloat in the pool. I actually have a fucking funny article to write on that.

In the paper I was quite intrigued by this Coldplay thing at the moment. Apparently the tree huggers are working on a song that is “genius” and we have to hear it “before we die” This is actually the cleverest piece of marketing I have ever heard of. When you release an album and make this sort of statement, people are going to want to buy it, because it's a piece of history. I don't recall Bono ever saying this about any one of his songs. All I hear from him is mutterings about AIDS in Africa and occasionally he sings us a little song in between his fucking whining. As one of the Gallagher brothers said “Shut the fuck up”

Seriously though, I can't wait to hear this song now. It's keeping me awake at night. Granted, I will never buy the album, but hopefully my friend Lex will download it then I can steal it from him and put it straight onto my iPod. Great.

Another story that is fucked is the one about the rapist in Hermanus. I won't go into too much detail because stories like this with rape, crime and shit don't really do it for me. Apparently the chick who caught the rapist just got him plastered when he broke into her house. First she offered him food then he said he wanted wine. So she poured him three mugs of papsak. If you don't know what papsak is, it's box wine. Basically you p*#s the papsak in about an hour, then when you are ready to pass out, you blow the sak up and use it as a pillow. Quite an ingenius design really. And you can then use the box to throw over your birds head, if she is a bit of a munter. It should actually win a design award somewhere in the world.

Then in the article is says

“Back at the house, the nephew pounced on Mowers(The rapist).

He fought back and Mentou (The wine giving chick) leapt on him too-pinning him down with her considerable frame. They called the police and waited”

CONSIDERABLE

FRAME

HA! Nice one, Cape Argus, considerable frame as in overweight! This is crazy. Even more crazy is the story. Who the fuck breaks into a house, falls into the trap of getting hammered, and then passes out. Seriously, I want to believe this story, but it sounds too simple to be true. I don't have an explanation for how it could really have happened but I bet it's far from what this story is.

This is one for MythBusters. Or just drunken tik fuelled stories that you will tell your kids one day around the fire while you do mescallin and sniff glue and shit.

I saw my father

2007-03-06T07:21:00.000+02:00

I stayed up late enough last night to see my father on that show he hosts. Late night with Conan 'O Brien. He is just bizarre. Anyway if you have not seen the phenomenon that is my daddy, then check it out HERE:

Here are some quotables from this week:

Britney Spears's manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Year's Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Year's Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said: "Countin' is hard!"

The other day in Spain, a 67-year-old woman gave birth, making her the world's oldest new mother. Reportedly the mother and baby are doing fine, but the doctor is still nauseous.

While not funny on the surface, when El Conando tells them, you will be going completely nuts. I nearly ate my microwave last night. With the cat in it. Clearly not funny.

I think on his site, and great if you are abusing the internet at work, because you get paid such shit from your boss and you need to use all his internet to feel that you have any worth, and any soul, that you can now watch his episodes on the internet. GENIUS!

Go have a look, just don't look at any of his stuff when Kate, the office hottie is around, because you will get a semi. Actually, you might want to get one when Fire, the office whore is around. So happily check this site out if she is within arm, or Johnson, length. Ha, I said length. God, I should be 10 years old.

Fear and loathing in Las Vegas

2007-03-05T08:29:00.000+02:00

Friday came round and it was agreed that Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas would be a damn good film to see. Funny enough, I have heard about it, I have heard about the book, I know about Hunter S Thompson but I have never seen the film, nor read the book. So I watched the film on Friday, and then went out on the weekend to find the book. No one seems to stock it so I ordered it on Kalahari.net.

The movie is just too bizarre, especially the opening scene where they think bats are flying around the car. Even better is a scene where he thinks that everyone is dinosaurs. They consume drugs like you won't believe, and the movie is all about excess. The crazy thing is, it looks so fun in the movie, but would probably kill you or me. God, they were completely mad.

If Hunter was like that, and from what I have read about him, he was, then he really is unique. How someones body puts up with so much abuse is beyond me. He reached his sixties, and then died because he shot himself. You can't believe that the drugs did not kill him. If a normal person had to re-create one day in his life, I have no doubt that they would die. I would.

It's one of those stories that is cool to see playing out, because it's something you can't really relate to. It's fun to watch, fun to see how some people lived and it's crazy that Hunter was actually paid to live so excessively. That was his job: being completely excessive and always drugged up.

You have to watch the film, but apparently it's better reading the book, to see the words Hunter put down on paper. I should be getting the book soon and will read it, then let you know. But as with the movie, it's something that can't be explained and you just have to see it for yourself.